I’ve been quiet for several months in my transition to my new job heading one of the largest nonprofit organizations of its type in our state. The road here has taken many twists and turns; most totally unexpected, but absolutely necessary.
I’ve recounted in many of my blogs the soul crushing experiences of the past two and a half years, where my faith took a major hit — I couldn’t talk to God and was pretty certain that our relationship would never be the same. I remember telling God on more than one occasion, “I love you, but I can’t talk to you right now. I’m hurt, confused and am really not happy with you.” I knew God understood my complaints and my feelings because the Bible says that God knows our thoughts from far away (Psalm 139:2). I tried to hold on to the hope that like Joseph (who was sold into slavery by his brothers only to become Pharaoh’s Deputy), whatever negative things happened, God would turn it into something good…I just didn’t know when.
I have to admit that at different points in the journey, everything that could go wrong did. I cried out to God, “Where are you?” “Why have you forsaken me?” I understood in a real way how Jesus must have felt hanging on the cross; knowing it was His destiny, but not wanting to go through the agony to get there. It was heart wrenching!
Two things kept popping into my mind, though: the first was the song by Babbie Mason that talked about trusting God’s heart when you don’t see His Hand (see YouTube below).
The chorus goes:
All things work for our good
Though sometimes we can’t
See how they could
Struggles that break our hearts in two
Sometimes blind us to the truth
Our Father knows what’s best for us
His ways are not our own
So when your pathway grows dim
And you just can’t see Him,
Remember you’re never alone
God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don’t understand
When don’t see His plan
When you can’t trace His hand
Trust His Heart
The second was the Footprints poem:
The Footprints Prayer
One night I had a dream…
I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord, and Across the sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand; One belonged to me, and the other to the Lord. When the last scene of my life flashed before us, I looked back at the footprints in the sand. I noticed that many times along the path of my life, There was only one set of footprints.
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in my life This really bothered me, and I questioned the Lord about it. “Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, You would walk with me all the way; But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, There is only one set of footprints. I don’t understand why in times when I needed you the most, you should leave me.
The Lord replied, “My precious, precious child. I love you, and I would never, never leave you during your times of trial and suffering. When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you.
It was only near the end of this “backside of the mountain” experience did I come to understand that God really had a plan for the pain and setbacks — He used every experience to prepare me to lead an organization that ministers to people who are often hurting and in need of help. Without the struggles of the past two and a half years, I would not have fully appreciated or understood what it means to have “life happen” to the point where you can’t tell which way is up! Because of the struggle, I now have a genuine passion to help people, not that I didn’t before, but now it’s extremely personal. I’ve told others that it’s the difference between being sympathetic and empathetic: sympathy says I understand your problem; empathy says I’ve been there and know how it feels.
God knew that at the end of my “dark night of the soul” experience was waiting a much larger ministry that would require a closer walk with Him that only comes through trials and heartache. I wish it wasn’t necessary, but the experience definitely allowed me to see God and myself much more clearly, and to gain a greater appreciation for who and what really matters. I lost a few people along the way and gained an authentic self that is fully persuaded that I’m operating in my call and walking in my destiny.