Twice a year I clean my closet: I exchange winter clothes for summer and reverse this in the fall. So, as I began this bi-annual ritual, a question popped into my head: isn’t cleaning our closets a great analogy for how we should evaluate our thoughts?  In our closets, we have several categories of clothes: clothes that no longer are in style and those that are always in style, those that fit and those that don’t and those that have special meaning to us –good or bad — whether we can fit them or not.

CLOTHES THAT ARE NO LONGER IN STYLE

The clothes that are no longer in style are the thoughts that have helped me to climb the ladder of success out of a fear of failing rather than a will to succeed. These clothes required that I position myself appropriately: meet the right people, make sure they know who I am, attend the right events, serve on key boards, etc.  While all of these activities  helped me reach certain goals, what I now understand is that, if the climb is predicated on fear, I will never feel truly successful because the fear is the driver. Unless I acknowledged this piece of clothing as out of date (i.e., that it no longer serves me), I will keep it in my closet because it’s familiar rather than functional.

CLOTHES THAT ARE ALWAYS IN STYLE

The clothes that are always in style are those that are foundational to who I am: A lover of the Lord Jesus Christ, a devoted (and thankful) wife, mother and grandmother, who is passionate about fulfilling my purpose on earth and making a positive difference in people’s lives.

CLOTHES THAT FIT PERFECTLY

My current wardrobe includes clothes that fit me perfectly: they accentuate my positives and camouflage or mitigate my negatives — I feel good in them.  These clothes represent thoughts that empower and encourage me to feel good about my life and my journey; they help me balance focusing on the future and living and enjoying the present.

CLOTHES THAT NO LONGER FIT

Ill fitting clothes are sometimes difficult to remove from my closet because I remember when I could fit them and hope to again.  These clothes remind me of the thoughts that kept me locked in the past wishing that I could change what happened or could go back and relive a particular moment in my life; like when I lost my mother…The loss was devastating to me because I wasn’t ready for her to leave. She died 28 years ago, and it’s taken me 28 years to make peace with it. I never grieved because there was too much to do at the time; my first child was born just 2 weeks before her death. I was a new mom and I went into survival mode.  Gratefully, a few months ago, I met two wonderful holistic practitioners, both of whom confronted me with the truth of my unfinished business with grieving the loss of my mother. Because of them, I took the time, finally, to really grieve. It was cathartic! I was able to remove the black shroud and the pain that I’ve had in my heart and make room for the joy of knowing that she’s always with me whether I can see her or not.

CLOTHES WITH SPECIAL MEANING

Over the past two years, and especially in the last 12 months, I have come to terms with some issues in the past, especially from childhood, that have plagued me my entire life. These are the clothes that have had special meaning to me that I’ve held on to because of how large they loomed in my life. For example, I’ve been mad at my dad for not being the father that I needed and wanted him to be.  I was so angry that for awhile I stopped speaking to him. Then, something miraculous happened: I gave my dad permission to be human! I let him off the hook — he was the best father he could be to me given who he was at that time. I remembered the number of conversations I had with our girls that ended with, “if you really tried and a C or D is the best grade that you can get, then I’m satisfied.” What great advice for my children, but I never allowed it to apply to my dad’s parenting efforts until now.

Or the time I wanted to give up on earning my Ph.D. because the process was worst than childbirth and much longer. These clothes I can’t get rid of because they remind me that “if it was easy, everyone would do or have it.”  They also remind me that, if I persevere, I will achieve my goal(s).

CLOSET CLEANING

The “clothes” in my closet include lessons that I have learned over the years through some very challenging experiences, old hurts and deep wounds, and memories that serve to remind me of who I am and what’s important to me.

The process included my having to “put on” each thought like an item of clothing and become fully conscious of how I “felt” in it and then decide if I wanted or needed to keep it. What I mean by this is, each thought had a feeling(s) associated with it — some made me feel hopeful, peaceful and secure, while others made me fearful, anxious and depressed. What I realized was that I spent way too much of my energy on avoiding a lot of bad feelings instead of unpacking them. So, instead of running from the bad emotions, I allowed myself to really feel them in my body — I allowed them to wash over me, like submerging myself in a pool. I remained consciously aware and eventually realized that I wasn’t going to die; I could just feel them and that was okay. It took the power out of the thoughts and helped me to heal. However, some thoughts required that I seek professional help in order to unpack them and that’s okay — I’m worth the investment.

I now know that thoughts, like clothes, need to be tried on now and then to determine if they serve a productive role in your life — do they move you forward, backward or keep you stuck — and you get to choose whether you retain, discard or re-purpose them.

Happy cleaning!