Category Archives: Fear

When The Pain Or Despair Is Too Great To Live…Please Live Anyhow!

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NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION HOTLINE                           1-800-273-8255                 https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org

I woke up this morning to the news that another celebrity died of an apparent suicide. Tragic!

I’ve read that suicide is the most selfish thing anyone can do because they don’t take into account the devastation that it leaves behind for their family and friends and the unanswered questions of “How did we miss that?” or “What else could I have done to prevent it?”

If you have not been to a place in your life where all around you seems hopeless, that’s wonderful! But for those of us who have travelled this road in our minds, let me try to explain at least my journey to seriously contemplating suicide.

I’ve shared in the past a troubled upbringing with my parents: my father physically abused my mother for years. Home wasn’t always pleasant, especially when my father came home after several days of spending time with his girlfriend and her family or after having stayed out drinking with his friends. He would argue with my mother and then hit her. My sisters and I tried to stop him, but it seldom worked.

Thankfully, at about the time I turned 8 years old, my mom (and my sisters and I) had had enough; she filed for divorce! I know the decision to do so was very difficult because she was now responsible for 3 children under the age of 11 and knowing that she would get little, if any, help from my father. I admire her courage!

We struggled for a few years living on her paycheck, whatever child support my father decided to contribute and whenever he decided to pay it, and government food programs for which we were suddenly eligible.

I think my mom was looking for a real partner to help share her load. Unfortunately, she found help in the form of an alcoholic, who promised that he would buy her a house and support her children. My mom saw it as salvation, we lived it as a nightmare. They were married for almost 17 years until my mother’s untimely death from heart disease at the age of 53.

During those years, I recreated the most influential relationship I had experienced in my young life: I found two men to abuse me — one physically and one mentally— in successive relationships over a 13 year period.

I wrote about my failed marriage in my blog “Fish Don’t Know They’re In Water: So Why Should You?” (May 24, 2012):

I’ve written earlier about the abuse my mother endured and how I unwittingly recreated the same lifestyle when I was a teenager. What I didn’t mention is that I continued to try to recreate that same situation during my first marriage. Fortunately, my ex-husband asked me a profound question during an argument. He said, “Are you trying to make me hit you?” That was the first time that I became consciously aware of how my actions, unchecked, were leading me to the same abuse I had just escaped two years earlier! Thank God that my ex-husband was clear enough to know what I was unconsciously trying to do – swim in the same unhealthy, but familiar water!

The details I left out include:

  • Marrying my first husband to escape the home where my stepfather was constantly propositioning me, so I had to sleep with a chair under my doorknob because I didn’t trust the lock or him;
  • Having to leave college because I was no longer eligible to receive a financial aid package I could afford now or in the future due to the marriage, which devastated me because my hoped for future (through attending college) was the most stable thing in my life at that time;
  • Living in what quickly became a dysfunctional marriage rather than the supportive one I thought I was building;
  • Realizing that I lost a child at the same time I learned I was pregnant.  My mind processed this as another failure on my part — in addition to a failing marriage, I couldn’t even bring a child into the world!

I’ve often described to others how I felt during that time that led me to contemplate suicide: it’s like stuffing clothes in a drawer until the drawer is too full to close and everything falls out.

The loss of my child in combination with a terrible marriage and not attending college, pushed me to a mental breakdown. I couldn’t eat or sleep for two weeks; everywhere I looked I saw despair, loneliness and personal failure — the pain was too great to continue to live!

So, I decided to end my life by stepping in front of a bus. I assumed that people would think it was a terrible accident because I wasn’t paying attention, but God and I would know it wasn’t!

And here’s the thing: a bus was coming down the street and I was getting ready to step in front of it when my mother’s voice popped into my head and reminded me of her belief that she shared with me years before: God was not pleased with suicide — it was a ticket straight to hell and I couldn’t come back from hell! While I know others believe differently, that thought stopped me from stepping off the curb!

Instead, I walked to my dorm (I was separated from my husband and had returned to college) and told my roommate my plans for finding a way to kill myself so that God wouldn’t know it was suicide!

My roommate, God bless her, walked me to the counseling office, where I signed a contract to contact them if I felt suicidal and to attend daily counseling sessions.

Unpacking long packed drawers was painful…extremely painful… but absolutely necessary to healing. It was during this time that I committed to seeking counseling — regardless of anyone’s opinion about it — whenever I need it because I’m worth the investment!

My dear roommate and caring counselors changed my perspective from one of failure, despair, fear, and loneliness to one of hope for a brighter future. In fact, right before I would have stepped in front of the bus, I jokingly thought, “With my luck, as soon as I died, the day after, everything would get better!”

I can’t honestly say that the day after things got better, but with much soul searching, self- and other-truth telling and hard work, my life eventually moved forward toward reaching the goals I set for myself prior to my breakdown and the new goals I’ve set since.

With God’s grace, I eventually divorced and found my husband and soulmate Robert, who has been with me for 35 years; birthed and raised two phenomenal young women Robin and Jennifer (who I was absolutely certain I couldn’t have because of the miscarriage, but God knew otherwise); welcomed to our family to spoil and love to distraction my grandchildren Shanum and Yahya; and earned three college degrees including a Ph.D. (when I despaired of finishing just one degree) and a professional career that amazes me!

I now live everyday thankful for my ups and my downs, but mostly for my life because the despair and pain led me to get the help that I needed to “live anyhow!”

(I’ve included information above for the National Suicide Prevention Hotline. If you or someone you know needs help, please call them or seek local mental health resources. I owe my life to people who helped me find my way out of darkness so that I can share my experiences through this blog with you!)

Dear Warrior: Courage For The Journey

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WARIOR (noun)

A person engaged or experienced in warfare; a person engaged in some struggle or conflict.

COURAGE (noun)

The ability to do something that frightens one; strength in the face of pain or grief.

I recently attended a conference sponsored by the Women of Color Foundation. Its focus was on women in the C-Suite. Throughout the conference, I kept hearing in my spirit the word “courage.”

I am privileged to have some phenomenal warriors in my life, who share their stories of brokenness and triumph with me. One friend called me yesterday because God had placed me on her heart and she said that she had to contact me.

As we talked, I kept wondering what the “God ordained” message would be that necessitated the call. I was reminded of it near the end of our conversation:

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear. (Franklin D. Roosevelt)

She related to me her 2.5 year odyssey to find and reclaim herself during the midst of a terrible divorce and dysfunctional work environment. We talked about the self-doubt one experiences when you find yourself in a professional and/or personal war someone else is waging against you that’s intended to impugn your character and destroy your reputation just because they think they have the right to do so.

What was telling in her description was the “tipping point” moment that catalyzed her transformation from victim to victor. Webster defines “tipping point” as, “the point at which a series of small changes or incidents becomes significant enough to cause a larger, more important change.” My friend defined hers as the moment she realized that her now ex-husband, who had hidden his assets that she later uncovered, had more to lose than she did. Prior to her discovery, her ex was publicly disparaging her and privately trying to take as much as he could even though his income was significantly higher.

She said that once the discovery was made, she was able to find the courage to stand and fight in a way that she felt she couldn’t before. We talked about the surge of energy she experienced as well as her newfound strength in God’s grace knowing that she had done nothing to cause the war other than to stand up for what she believed to be right.

We also talked about our biblical Job moments: the times when God pays you “double for your trouble.” In her case, God repaid her by providing her a series of “new” things: a better than expected divorce settlement, a job with unheard of benefits and a self-identity that is stronger and more confident for having experienced and won the war waged against her.

Her story served to remind me that my warrior experiences of having to demonstrate courage began with the questions: “Is what someone says about me who I am? Is it indicative of how I operate?” These are soul searching, transformative questions that require prayer and reflection in order to find the answers.

In my times of trial, God often reminds me of his message to Joshua, whom Moses mentored, upon Moses’ death:

There shall not any man be able to stand before thee all the days of thy life: as I was with Moses, so I will be with thee: I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee. Be strong and of a good courage…Only be thou strong and very courageous…Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.
‭‭Joshua‬ ‭1:5-9‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

Dear Warrior: every war fought, every trial endured and every wilderness walked carries with it the assurance that God will give you the courage for the journey because the experience is as much about your preparation for something bigger as it is about God receiving glory because you trusted him for the victory.

 

When You’ve Done All You Can… Stand

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I have heard the statement over the years, “If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.” This is usually meant to suggest that, at different points in life, you will be required to “take a stand” or declare your position on something even when it is difficult and may cost you something like family, friends, popularity, status, credibility, etc.

I can recall several times in my life when I was required to make a decision as to whether I should or could stand, and if I was willing to pay the price either way. (This is a good place to remind you that every stand taken or not has a price associated with it.)

As a teenager, my first major stand was to confront my boyfriend, who I had allowed to physically abuse me for several years. I’ve often recounted that the choice was to continue to be abused or to stand up to him with the possibility that he could kill me. I chose to stand because to remain battered was no longer an option — my future was worth the risk of death.

My second major stand was the decision to release myself from an unhappy marriage, even though I had vowed never to divorce as my parents had. My ex-husband is a great person, but we married for all of the wrong reasons. It took my having a mental breakdown to confront myself and him with my newfound knowledge that life was too short to waste it on unhappiness when I had the ability to choose differently. Because of that stand, I went on to marry my solemate and best friend 32 years ago.

Other instances in my life that I’ve taken a stand have at times given me notoriety (or infamy, depending upon the person telling the story), but I was willing to go through the process, whatever the outcome, because I believed that the cause was worth it.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve realized that it’s important to me to take a stand when it allows me to give a voice to those who feel they can’t be heard or when it’s necessary to “speak truth to power” — real or perceived– because to do less makes me part of the problem rather than a contributor to a solution.

In the final analysis, I have learned to take the advice of Donnie McClurkin, one of my favorite gospel artists:

STAND

What do you do,
When you’ve done all you can and it seems like it’s never enough?
And, what do you say when your friends turn away and you’re all alone?
Tell me, what do you give,
When you’ve given your all and it seems like you can’t make it through?
Well, you just stand, when there’s nothing left to do,
You just stand, watch the LORD see you through.
Yes, after you’ve done all you can, you just stand!

To Me Or For Me?

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I have been privileged to write a blog since 2012 when I began my journey from a life that was fairly predictable to one that was anything but. Like a roller coaster, the turns and twists of life were exciting and nauseating, and the highs and lows were fear inducing and, on occasion, faith shattering. In fact, I have said to many people recently that this has been a “dark night of the soul” experience.

The Dark Night of the Soul is a poem that was penned by St. John of the Cross in 1578 or 1579 and it describes the journey one’s soul takes from the body to be in union with God. The phrase has become synonymous with being plunged into spiritual crisis.

I willingly admit that I have been extremely angry with God (He can handle it!) for a number of things that I expected to happen or that didn’t happen on my timetable; so much so that I couldn’t pray for months because I convinced myself that God wasn’t listening to me anyway, so why bother? This reminded me of when I was young in my faith; I wouldn’t speak to God for a long time because of something I thought that He should or shouldn’t have allowed to happen to me. But, as I grew in understanding, I just assumed that, while bad things happen to good people and to those who are striving to be good, I had immunity from the devastating stuff simply because God and I were on good terms. Little did I know that being on good terms with God, especially when you sincerely ask Him to use your life, may mean the worst is yet to come!

I have recounted in several posts the past two-year journey of putting a music museum together and the triumphs and trials associated with the process. I was certain that I was called to do it, but the outcome was extremely disappointing. I returned to my home town having been severely tested on every front imaginable. At various points, I cried out to God and said, “Are you mad at me?” “Did I misunderstand?” and “Can you still hear me?” At every turn during this odyssey, the response was that God was with me and that this journey was His plan for me. God also reminded me that in order for Him to release our gifts and anointing, like flowers for perfume, we must go through a “crushing” period. I truly understand in a way that I couldn’t before this experience Jesus’ statement to His Father, “If it be possible, let this cup pass from me, but not as I will, thy will be done” (Luke 22:42).

I prayed and waited, and waited and prayed for God to work things out to my satisfaction, but each time, the situation took another turn that appeared to be in the wrong direction; instead of bringing me closer to what I thought the end would be, it took me farther away! The price of obedience was higher than any I had paid in the past.

I felt horrible that my faith had been all but shattered and that I no longer saw God as my loving guide and my protector, but rather as someone who allowed me to be hurt and victimized as I had during my teen years. I couldn’t reconcile the God that I served with the bully that I had made Him to be. Throughout this time, I kept hearing in my spirit and from various ministers that this part of the journey was preparation for something bigger and better. Like Joseph in the Bible, who was elevated to prime minister years after his brothers sold him into slavery, I have come to appreciate his triumphant statement that what his brothers meant for evil, God intended for his good (Genesis 50:20).

So, for the first time in several months, I am able to pray with a newfound understanding that God did not allow those things to happen to me, He did them for me so that I might know Him– and myself– in a more intimate way during my soul’s “dark night.”

 

Going “All In” to Get Your Wings

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For the past two years, I have been relating my experiences developing the Global Black Music Center. There have been major highs and major lows, and I always believed that it would become a reality. I must admit, though, that there were times that “tried my soul,” as there are in anyone’s life, especially those who are pursuing their passion. In those times, I would ask God to reveal Himself to me so that I would know that I was on the right path. Without fail, God would open another door and that kept me moving forward.

My rallying cry became, “Feel the fear and do it anyway! …drag it with you, if you must.” Too often, fear of failure prevents us from attempting great things because we worry about what will happen if it doesn’t work out. I am no exception! But, I knew that I was living a moment of destiny; a moment for which I had been preparing most of my life. How could I pass it up now?! So, like a poker player, I believed I had a good hand and could win, so I moved all of my chips into the center of the table and said, “I’m going ‘all in!'”

You should know that I had days when my fears got the best of me and I couldn’t think straight; I could only feel anxiety or despondency. Then I would remember that the larger the building, the deeper you have to dig the foundation, so I kept putting one foot in front of the other to pursue the vision God had given me.

In the process, I learned that trusting God is not as easy as it sounds; I actually had to “walk my talk,” meaning that I had to live what I had been telling others on a level that I had not experienced before. It was very difficult at times and I constantly told God, “I QUIT!”  But, as much as I wanted and tried to quit, I couldn’t; my passion for the project was too strong. In addition, doors kept opening when I was certain they wouldn’t, so I walked, often blindly, trusting that God would continue to lead and provide.

Then something amazing happened: the door that was wide open closed shut! Even though I am certain that God called me to this task, things didn’t turn out the way I thought they would or should. I was devastated! I was also left with more questions than answers, and my faith took a major hit. I told family and friends that I feel like I have no ground under me because God asked me to step off the cliff and trust Him, I did and the results were disappointing, to say the least.

The feeling of not having ground underneath me is a new experience and not one that I wanted, but definitely what I now feel I needed. Let me explain: during the Exodus in the Bible, the Children of Israel had to leave the familiar place of Egypt, even though they were slaves there, to travel to a new place unknown to them, but promised by God. The Bible recounts their journey and says that their clothes and shoes didn’t get old and God fed and protected them for 40 years. This was a time of preparation: to leave their old identity and mentality as slaves and to remember who God had created them to be — chosen and blessed — and to depend on God rather than their masters and themselves. Their “cliff jumping” took 40 years before God allowed them to enter the Promised Land. I am fully persuaded that this portion of my journey has been preparation for my promised land.

And, while I have longed for steady ground over the past two years, I realized recently that this is the wrong prayer; I should be asking to live joyfully whether I have ground under my feet or not. A dear friend also reminded me of something that God told me during the most difficult part of this journey — He had given me wings to soar above the ground! I finally became aware that I’ve been so intent on seeking new comfortable ground, I didn’t honor the fact that God has changed me through this particular wilderness experience…I mean, season of preparation. My wings, if I choose to use them, allow me to fly closer to God, see farther than I have in the past and travel farther than I could without them.

This reminds me of a video that God brought to my attention: Steve Harvey, the comedian, says that success requires jumping off the cliff, so to speak, in order for your parachute (wings) to open (see video below).

Even though things didn’t turn out as a I had hoped they would, I now have a set of wings that enable me to soar. I wonder, though, is the experience of going “all in,” or laying it all on the line and pursuing your God-given passion, a prerequisite for gaining your wings? If it is, be prepared for confronting all or most of the fears you have because they will keep you stuck on the edge of the cliff looking down and wondering, “What if I fail, what will people think?” “What if I fall, will God really catch me?” Great questions!  But, if you’re ready to soar, you, like me,  must make a decision to trust God more than your fears…to feel the fear and do it anyway. I did and because of that, I’ve earned my wings. I’m still learning how to use them, but I’m thankful that I have them. It’s just a matter of time before God shows me how to soar higher than I could have ever dreamed, of that, I’m certain!

Have You Cleaned Your Closet Lately?

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Twice a year I clean my closet: I exchange winter clothes for summer and reverse this in the fall. So, as I began this bi-annual ritual, a question popped into my head: isn’t cleaning our closets a great analogy for how we should evaluate our thoughts?  In our closets, we have several categories of clothes: clothes that no longer are in style and those that are always in style, those that fit and those that don’t and those that have special meaning to us –good or bad — whether we can fit them or not.

CLOTHES THAT ARE NO LONGER IN STYLE

The clothes that are no longer in style are the thoughts that have helped me to climb the ladder of success out of a fear of failing rather than a will to succeed. These clothes required that I position myself appropriately: meet the right people, make sure they know who I am, attend the right events, serve on key boards, etc.  While all of these activities  helped me reach certain goals, what I now understand is that, if the climb is predicated on fear, I will never feel truly successful because the fear is the driver. Unless I acknowledged this piece of clothing as out of date (i.e., that it no longer serves me), I will keep it in my closet because it’s familiar rather than functional.

CLOTHES THAT ARE ALWAYS IN STYLE

The clothes that are always in style are those that are foundational to who I am: A lover of the Lord Jesus Christ, a devoted (and thankful) wife, mother and grandmother, who is passionate about fulfilling my purpose on earth and making a positive difference in people’s lives.

CLOTHES THAT FIT PERFECTLY

My current wardrobe includes clothes that fit me perfectly: they accentuate my positives and camouflage or mitigate my negatives — I feel good in them.  These clothes represent thoughts that empower and encourage me to feel good about my life and my journey; they help me balance focusing on the future and living and enjoying the present.

CLOTHES THAT NO LONGER FIT

Ill fitting clothes are sometimes difficult to remove from my closet because I remember when I could fit them and hope to again.  These clothes remind me of the thoughts that kept me locked in the past wishing that I could change what happened or could go back and relive a particular moment in my life; like when I lost my mother…The loss was devastating to me because I wasn’t ready for her to leave. She died 28 years ago, and it’s taken me 28 years to make peace with it. I never grieved because there was too much to do at the time; my first child was born just 2 weeks before her death. I was a new mom and I went into survival mode.  Gratefully, a few months ago, I met two wonderful holistic practitioners, both of whom confronted me with the truth of my unfinished business with grieving the loss of my mother. Because of them, I took the time, finally, to really grieve. It was cathartic! I was able to remove the black shroud and the pain that I’ve had in my heart and make room for the joy of knowing that she’s always with me whether I can see her or not.

CLOTHES WITH SPECIAL MEANING

Over the past two years, and especially in the last 12 months, I have come to terms with some issues in the past, especially from childhood, that have plagued me my entire life. These are the clothes that have had special meaning to me that I’ve held on to because of how large they loomed in my life. For example, I’ve been mad at my dad for not being the father that I needed and wanted him to be.  I was so angry that for awhile I stopped speaking to him. Then, something miraculous happened: I gave my dad permission to be human! I let him off the hook — he was the best father he could be to me given who he was at that time. I remembered the number of conversations I had with our girls that ended with, “if you really tried and a C or D is the best grade that you can get, then I’m satisfied.” What great advice for my children, but I never allowed it to apply to my dad’s parenting efforts until now.

Or the time I wanted to give up on earning my Ph.D. because the process was worst than childbirth and much longer. These clothes I can’t get rid of because they remind me that “if it was easy, everyone would do or have it.”  They also remind me that, if I persevere, I will achieve my goal(s).

CLOSET CLEANING

The “clothes” in my closet include lessons that I have learned over the years through some very challenging experiences, old hurts and deep wounds, and memories that serve to remind me of who I am and what’s important to me.

The process included my having to “put on” each thought like an item of clothing and become fully conscious of how I “felt” in it and then decide if I wanted or needed to keep it. What I mean by this is, each thought had a feeling(s) associated with it — some made me feel hopeful, peaceful and secure, while others made me fearful, anxious and depressed. What I realized was that I spent way too much of my energy on avoiding a lot of bad feelings instead of unpacking them. So, instead of running from the bad emotions, I allowed myself to really feel them in my body — I allowed them to wash over me, like submerging myself in a pool. I remained consciously aware and eventually realized that I wasn’t going to die; I could just feel them and that was okay. It took the power out of the thoughts and helped me to heal. However, some thoughts required that I seek professional help in order to unpack them and that’s okay — I’m worth the investment.

I now know that thoughts, like clothes, need to be tried on now and then to determine if they serve a productive role in your life — do they move you forward, backward or keep you stuck — and you get to choose whether you retain, discard or re-purpose them.

Happy cleaning!

 

Purpose in the Wilderness

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I have been silent for several months because I have been traveling through the wilderness. For those acquainted with the Bible, this was the time during which God taught the children of Israel how to depend on Him after their 400-year slavery in Egypt.

The wilderness experience is usually a very lonely time; it’s often a time of preparation and depending upon God in a way that you have not before, and it prepares you spiritually for living at a different level IF you are willing to go through the process of change that is required.

In an earlier blog, I mentioned the book “The Dream Giver” by Bruce Wilkinson as being extremely helpful to me at various points in my journey. This is especially true now!

Wilkinson tells the story of a young man named Ordinary from the Land of Familiar. Ordinary has been visited by the Dream Giver, who has placed a dream in his heart. The book recounts Ordinary’s journey from the Land of Familiar to the Land of Promise and his transformation from being “Ordinary” to becoming a “Somebody.”

Chapter four entitled, “Ordinary Enters the Wasteland,” has become a touchstone for me during this time. I want to share with you the portion of the story that speaks to me:

More time passed. The longest hours and days Ordinary could ever remember passed. Desperately, he began to look for a way out…Every delay made him more determined to find a quicker route. But every attempt only led to another dead end. Again and again, Ordinary lost his way. Again and again, he cried out for the Dream Giver to show him the way. But no answer came. Why had he ever trusted the Dream Giver to guide him in the first place?

The day came when Ordinary finally gave up. He sat on his suitcase and refused to move until the Dream Giver showed up with a plan. But the Dream Giver didn’t show up that day or the next. Ordinary had never felt so lost and alone. He became angry. He got angrier and angrier.

…Ordinary stood to his feet. But as far as he could see, there was only sand. The path to His Dream had disappeared completely. Obviously, his entire trip through the WasteLand had been a Waste! Hot tears coursed down his dirty cheeks. “You’re not a Dream Giver,” he shouted, “You’re a Dream Taker! I trusted you. You promised to be with me and help me. And you didn’t!” Then Ordinary stumbled in despair across the sandy Waste, dragging his empty suitcase behind him. His Dream dead and now he wanted to die, too. When he came to a scraggly tree, he lay down in its scraggly patch of shade and closed his eyes. That night, he slept the sleep of a dreamless Dreamer.

The next morning, Ordinary heard something. Startled, he peered up to see a shimmering Somebody sitting in the branches of the tree. “Who are you?” he asked, as she climbed down to the ground.

“My name is Faith,” she said. “The Dream Giver sent me to help you.” “But it’s too late!” cried Ordinary. “My Dream is dead. When I needed the Dream Giver most, he was nowhere in sight.”

“What do you need that you haven’t received?” asked Faith. “Well, if it weren’t for the few springs of water I found,” answered Ordinary, “I’d be dead of thirst by now!”

“Yes? And?” she asked. “If it weren’t for the fruit I found, I’d be a walking skeleton!” he replied…”Oh, my!” Faith murmured. “And?” “Well,” huffed Ordinary, “a little guidance would have been nice. Ever since I came here, it’s been one delay after another. I’ve been wandering in circles since I don’t know when. What a waste!”

“I see,” said Faith, nodding. “So, what will you do now?” “Just tell me how to get back to Familiar,” he said. “I’m sorry,” she said. “But, I can’t help you with that.” “That figures,” said Ordinary. “The Dream Giver sends me a helper who can’t help!” “You might be right,” said Faith. “But that’s for you to decide.” Then Faith walked away in a direction Ordinary felt sure was wrong.

It wasn’t long before Ordinary began to have second thoughts. What if he was wrong?…He began to miss her. He realized that while they were talking, he had felt hope for the first time in a very long time. Ordinary jumped to his feet and scanned the horizon…Ordinary had an idea. He climbed the scraggly tree to the top. From there, he could see Faith in the distance. As quickly as he could, he climbed down and set off in the same direction.

Later that same day, Ordinary was eating some fruit beside a trickle of water, when he saw his journey through the WasteLand in a whole new way.

      Food enough for the day

     Water, when he needed to drink

     A path to follow that led to Faith

How could he have been so blind? Even when the Dream Giver had been nowhere in sight, he had always been near.

Great story, right! (The rest of the book is equally good!)

Here’s what I’m learning in my wasteland/wilderness:

  1. God is absolutely in control! As a recovering type A personality, I have had to take my hands off of this big project and surrender it to God on a daily basis. It is one of the most difficult things I have ever done! (Pray for me!)
  2. Recognize that since it is His project, He will provide the resources. I’ve preached this to others in the past and am now hearing my words come back to me.
  3. There are no shortcuts — it requires that I “walk it out” for however long it takes.
  4. Look at God instead of the circumstances. Early in the process, my mood would swing from excitement to stark terror until God reminded me that He called me to this project and that He is doing the work through me.
  5. God works everything together for good…and everything means everything! (Romans 8:28)
  6. Be grateful for what God has already done for me while I am in the wilderness. Recalling God’s many blessings helps to strengthen me on my journey.
  7. God must get the glory! — it is never about me. It’s always about what God wants to accomplish in and through me.

The bottom line is that I’m learning what Ordinary learned: when God gives you a dream, faith in God is key!

Onward to the Land of Promise!

“Try Not! Do or Do Not. There is No Try”: Life According To Yoda

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During my 11 year journey to becoming Dr. Jacklyn Chisholm, my wonderful husband and a mentor of mine often reminded me, “If it was easy, everyone would have a Ph.D.” Those words fed my spirit and became my rallying cry. I didn’t realize until much later that the movie Star Wars, and in particular, the character Yoda, would provide me additional words to live by…

I recently had a conversation with my daughter who is applying to graduate school.  We were discussing the process and the essay that is required to complete the application. I told her that she just needs to “Do It,” like Nike recommends in their commercials.  After almost 20 minutes, I asked her to repeat to me what I suggested her next step should be.  She said, “You told me to try.” I said, “No. My advice to you was “Just Do It!”

I then described to her the moment in my doctoral process when I was stuck in “analysis paralysis” — the place where I couldn’t move forward because I felt that I was missing too much information. In actuality, I was SCARED because I didn’t know what the outcome of all of my hard work would be.

The issue was not that I didn’t know what to write about;  I had an outline and all of the data that I could gather, but I didn’t know how to organize it. Questions like, “What would the committee look for in the paper? How long should it be? What if I leave something out?”  had me tied in knots. You see, I had worked for over 10 years to get to this point of writing the dissertation, and now all of those hours and days without sleep, feelings of anxiety, helplessness, hopelessness, joy and excitement hinged upon 100+ pages of a dissertation that I had to defend to a four-person faculty committee. Talk about pressure!!

In a previous blog and as I noted above, the words, “If it was easy, everyone would do it” were instrumental in getting me through graduate school. However, I still had to do the work and walk my path in order to earn the prize that awaited me at the end of the process. I have often likened it to running a gauntlet with people and obstacles standing in my way. I had to decide (there goes that word again) that I was in it for the long haul.

You will recall that I began the Ph.D. process knowing that God had brought me to it– I didn’t begin graduate school to earn a Ph.D. God only talked to me about applying for the Masters program. It was in my obedience and following through on His guidance that I was told that if I “high passed” the same comprehensive (or “comp”) exam that I was required to complete to earn the Masters, I would be automatically admitted to the Ph.D. program.

My response was, “Is this the kind of doctor you want me to be God!” See, I began undergrad expecting to become a physician, not a psychological anthropologist, but once I accepted God’s plan for me to pursue a Ph.D. rather than a M.D., God then revealed the next step in my process. Like Abraham (for the Bible scholars), God called him to leave his hometown without telling him where he was going until he packed up and left. In other words, it was when Abraham moved that God began to reveal the destination!

Once I agreed to go with God’s plan, my initial internal dialogue with God became, “I’ll try to do what you want me to, but I am afraid because I am outside of my comfort zone and I don’t know where you are leading me.”

I have one more example,  I mean, lesson to share on this subject…While I was walking down the aisle to marry my first husband, my thoughts were “I’ll try to make this marriage work. If it doesn’t, I’ll get a divorce.” Needless to say, it happened just as I thought it would because a try is not a commitment to a success, it’s a commitment to an attempt. Yoda understood this when he was coaching young Luke Skywalker, who had returned to the planet where he was to receive training to become a Jedi Knight…

Luke crash-landed his ship in water in his attempt to find the Jedi master to train him. He didn’t recognize Yoda initially as the one he was seeking.  Yoda instructed Luke to move the ship out of the water with “the Force.”

Luke responded: “All right, I’ll give it a try.”

Yoda says: ” No! Try not. Do… or do not. There is no try.”
Luke then says, “I don’t, I don’t believe it.” and Yoda ends with, “That is why you fail.”

I don’t know what “tries” you are attempting. I hope not a lot because you could spin your wheels and make very little headway because you are not fully committed to your success.

So, please, for your future’s sake… take the advice of a pint-sized Jedi Master and a blissfully married woman with a Ph.D. — TRY NOT! DO… OR DO NOT. THERE IS NO TRY!

 

 

If It Was Easy, Everyone Would Do It

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Four questions:

1) What would you do if you were not afraid?

2) What would you do if money weren’t an issue?

3) What is your passion?

4) What are you willing to do or sacrifice to pursue it?

Each of these questions have my destiny wrapped within them…

When I was younger, I used to spend a great deal of my time thinking about how my life would be when I grew up. As I mentioned in other posts, there was a lot of dysfunction in my family – not unlike everyone else that I know! In order to cope with it, I would go to the library and check out books about far away places that I would visit as an adult or I would imagine the fantastic life that I would live.

My mother, more than anyone else, influenced my love of learning.  She also helped to fuel my desire to pursue my passion because she had always wanted to go to nursing school, but felt that she had to settle for a career as a surgical technician because of her family responsibilities in raising three girls as a single parent. As we became adults, my sisters and I would encourage her to pursue her dream, but she would always say, “I’m too old.” Unfortunately, my mother died at the age of 53 without having given herself permission to go to nursing school.

Her comments regarding the importance of education and the lesson I learned from her unwillingness to pursue her passion of becoming a nurse combined with my dream of a better life through education kept me focused even when things in my personal life took a turn for the worst.

I have met many people who want more than they have now — and I don’t mean more stuff —  they want to go to college, they want to secure a better or more satisfying job or they want to open a business, but what gets in their way often is their fear of what they will have to do or possibly lose  if they were to pursue whatever their passion or dream may be.  I really understand their concern because I have confronted these same issues throughout my life, especially in the past 20+ years.  Fortunately, asking myself each of the four questions at crucial times has been the key to my success so far.

Question one, “What would you do if you weren’t afraid?,” is powerful! It gets to the heart of what prevents many people from pursuing their passion – FEAR.   Fear has a way of grabbing us by the throat and not allowing us to move forward, so we stay stuck in situations that either no longer feed our spirit or never have. Hopefully, you’ve heard that FEAR is an acronym for False Evidence Appearing Real.   If we were to confront the fear, we’d often find that it’s a barking dog with no teeth!

I was in a place of fear early in my professional career, and one of my mentors said something so profound that it shook me out of my complacency. He said, “Feel the fear and do it anyway!”— drag it along as you pursue your dreams. That’s how I was able to overcome my fear of failure in college and in different professional roles.

The second question is equally impactful: “What would you do if money weren’t an issue?”  How many times have you said to yourself or has someone said to you “How are you going to pay for school? How are you going to pay for the training? How are you going to get there? How, how, how? This is what I’ve learned in my journey:  if I believe that I am in God’s will, then the money or whatever resources I need will be provided.  I heard Bishop T.D. Jakes say it a little differently, “God always pays for what He orders.”  What a powerful reminder that God is my source, and as long as I am in His will, all of my provision for the journey will be made!

The third question, “What is your passion?,” is often ignored by people because to ask the question means that you want to know the answer. I’ve met many people who refuse to ask themselves the question because the answer would require sacrifices they are not willing or feel that they can’t make.

My passion for a long time was to earn a Bachelors degree. I’ve recounted some of the challenges that I faced in pursuing it, but what I glossed over were the numerous times when the degree seemed to get farther and farther away; I became exhausted and disillusioned because obstacles, big and small, were in my path – some I created and some were created by others.   What kept me going was God reminding me that, “Anything worth having is worth working for.”

Which leads to question four: “What are you willing to do or sacrifice to pursue your passion?”

When I told my husband that I felt that God was leading me to return to school and earn a Masters degree and Ph.D., my husband said, “If God wants you to do it, then I’m behind you!” (Sorry ladies, he doesn’t have a brother.)  Our girls were 1 and 4 when I started. They were 12 and 15 when I completed the Ph.D.

What kept me going for what seemed like a thousand years in school was something a mentor said to me during this time: “If it was easy, everyone would do it.”  What a blessing that statement was and is to me! This one statement separates those who accomplish their goals from those who talk about accomplishing theirs. Pursuing your passion or your dream will cost you something – it always does. But I want you to consider this:

If it takes you five (or more) years to pursue your passion or achieve your dream, do you plan to be here five years from now? If so, you can either be five years older having pursued your passion or five years older still thinking about achieving your dream. It’s your choice!

So, are you ready to join those of us who have adopted the mantra, “If it was easy, everyone would do it?”  I certainly hope you are!

Let me help you start this part of your journey today:  On your mark… get set… GO!

Pay No Attention To That (Wo)Man Behind The Curtain: Are You Ready to Leave Oz?

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“Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain” is a line from the movie The Wizard of Oz.  Who but God knew that years later it would be a framework for finding my purpose! Here’s how…

As a girl, it was important to me to have friends.  Unfortunately, I believed that I had to change myself in order to have a lot of them.

As I matured, I realized that it wasn’t necessary to “win” friends by changing who I was. The best thing that I could do for myself and them was to be Jackie – warts and all. This was scary because, as I recounted in previous blogs, I had a lot going on in my life at different times that I didn’t want people to know about.

I had also over the course of several years diligently crafted a personal identity as a confident, intelligent, ambitious and successful Black woman. What has been eye-opening to me is my recent spiritual revelation that this identify was primarily created in response to the fears of failure and poverty that I developed early in life as a result of the significant life changes I experienced.

It is amazing what fear can do — it can either compel you to achieve or cause you to sabotage yourself.  Any type of fear usually benchmarks where you’ve been — what or who you will lose, what others think of you, what you don’t want to experience again — not where you are going.

For years, I thought that life was about climbing ever higher up the professional ladder. Until suddenly, the climb didn’t seem to mean as much. That day, I came to grips with the reality that fear can’t be my reason to succeed.  God has created me to be more than the title at my job, the people that I know and who know me, and other labels that I or anyone else have placed on me. I now know that I was born to encourage and motivate people to pursue their dreams! What a privilege!

Even though fear was my fuel, I can no longer use it to propel me, especially if I want the future that God has designed for me. This next chapter of my life has to be intentional — it must be based on moving forward toward an exciting, yet unknown future rather than running from an already lived past.

It has only been in the last few years that I have come to grips with leaving Oz and the woman behind the curtain.  I am finally ready, able, and more importantly, willing to step from behind the curtain to live the life that I am destined to live.

Are you now ready to leave Oz? I sincerely hope you are because your life can be so much more significant when you give yourself permission to come from behind your curtain!