Tag Archives: Thoughts

Dreams Delayed Are Not Always Denied: God’s “No” may just have been a “Not Now.”

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I have been silent for awhile as I focused on getting through the pandemic, writing my book Leadership Lessons: Notes From and For the Journey, and completing my studies at the Harvard Business School to become an alumna. But, given my journey of the past two years, I thought it was time to share what I learned about dreams deferred.

Let me begin with my book…

Leadership Lessons had been an idea of mine for over 10 years with the encouragement of people I’ve known and others I met along my path. I’m so proud to say, “I did it!” I, of course, can’t take the credit — the book was birthed through me but written by God and published in 2023.

The process of writing the book was taxing because I had to contend with feelings of: 1) doubt — there are a million books, what’s one more going to matter?, 2) confusion — what should I write about and what should it be titled?, and the one I struggled with the most 3) insecurity — why would anyone want to hear what I have to say?

As with anything God-compelled, I had to write the book because the lessons were meant to be shared; while I have written about my experiences in my blogs, the book is the first time that I can tell my story fully, with the hope that it will inspire others. (Shameless plug: the book may be purchased at drjacklynachisholm.com.)

Harvard Business School…

As far back as I can remember, I’ve wanted to attend Harvard, but as I’ve recounted in my book, I found myself: first, as a victim of a high school teacher’s comments in the 10th grade that eroded my self-confidence, affected my grades in math through my senior year, and ended any hope I had of being accepted to Harvard as an undergraduate student, and secondly, at the same time in an abusive relationship that held my life and my dreams captive for several years until I was able to escape from it.

As a dedicated life-long learner, I believe in investing in my professional development and am privileged to have earned three degrees and several certificates from universities that I could only fantasize about as a young woman, and that recently culminated in my becoming a Harvard Business School alumni.

I shared the happy news on Facebook and LinkedIn and received some wonderful comments, especially to my statement that, “What God has reminded me over and over is that my dream of attending Harvard decades ago while deferred, was not denied! To God be the glory!”

So, to those who may have given up on a dream because you think God said “no,” maybe it wasn’t a solid no, it was just a “not now.” And maybe, like me, it’s your time to dream again!

A Picture Is More than the Paint You See: The Layering Of A Life

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After an almost two-year hiatus due to living through the COVID pandemic, I’m grateful to return to my blog. I hope my stories will continue to inspire!

Now, onto the new lesson…

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I admit to having a habit of scrolling through YouTube videos when I’m bored. I am especially fascinated by artists who paint.

One evening, I watched a young woman paint a portrait of herself underwater. I saw the finished picture as she demonstrated her technique. What captured my attention was her initial use of only the color red to outline her subject matter.

I watched as she began using other colors to build texture, definition and depth to the painting. I also marveled at and was inspired by her ability to bring her vision to light and by her process, as well as by how her picture was formed layer by layer.

This led me to think about how I, like many others, compartmentalize my life — I grew from child to adolescent to young adult to older adult — and viewed each as a stage I lived through then went on to the next. However, my goal is to not rush too quickly to the next stage; I try to savor the good of where I am and learn from the bad when possible, recognizing that past experiences may be preparation for my life’s future.

How would my life narrative change if instead of viewing it as a series of beginning and ending stages that I intentionally keep separate — like colors in an artist’s palette — I viewed them as layers in my life’s masterpiece? It’s a worthy goal to be sure.

So, for the artist in all of us…here’s to painting and living your life in layers!

When The Pain Or Despair Is Too Great To Live…Please Live Anyhow!

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NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION HOTLINE                           1-800-273-8255                 https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org

I woke up this morning to the news that another celebrity died of an apparent suicide. Tragic!

I’ve read that suicide is the most selfish thing anyone can do because they don’t take into account the devastation that it leaves behind for their family and friends and the unanswered questions of “How did we miss that?” or “What else could I have done to prevent it?”

If you have not been to a place in your life where all around you seems hopeless, that’s wonderful! But for those of us who have travelled this road in our minds, let me try to explain at least my journey to seriously contemplating suicide.

I’ve shared in the past a troubled upbringing with my parents: my father physically abused my mother for years. Home wasn’t always pleasant, especially when my father came home after several days of spending time with his girlfriend and her family or after having stayed out drinking with his friends. He would argue with my mother and then hit her. My sisters and I tried to stop him, but it seldom worked.

Thankfully, at about the time I turned 8 years old, my mom (and my sisters and I) had had enough; she filed for divorce! I know the decision to do so was very difficult because she was now responsible for 3 children under the age of 11 and knowing that she would get little, if any, help from my father. I admire her courage!

We struggled for a few years living on her paycheck, whatever child support my father decided to contribute and whenever he decided to pay it, and government food programs for which we were suddenly eligible.

I think my mom was looking for a real partner to help share her load. Unfortunately, she found help in the form of an alcoholic, who promised that he would buy her a house and support her children. My mom saw it as salvation, we lived it as a nightmare. They were married for almost 17 years until my mother’s untimely death from heart disease at the age of 53.

During those years, I recreated the most influential relationship I had experienced in my young life: I found two men to abuse me — one physically and one mentally— in successive relationships over a 13 year period.

I wrote about my failed marriage in my blog “Fish Don’t Know They’re In Water: So Why Should You?” (May 24, 2012):

I’ve written earlier about the abuse my mother endured and how I unwittingly recreated the same lifestyle when I was a teenager. What I didn’t mention is that I continued to try to recreate that same situation during my first marriage. Fortunately, my ex-husband asked me a profound question during an argument. He said, “Are you trying to make me hit you?” That was the first time that I became consciously aware of how my actions, unchecked, were leading me to the same abuse I had just escaped two years earlier! Thank God that my ex-husband was clear enough to know what I was unconsciously trying to do – swim in the same unhealthy, but familiar water!

The details I left out include:

  • Marrying my first husband to escape the home where my stepfather was constantly propositioning me, so I had to sleep with a chair under my doorknob because I didn’t trust the lock or him;
  • Having to leave college because I was no longer eligible to receive a financial aid package I could afford now or in the future due to the marriage, which devastated me because my hoped for future (through attending college) was the most stable thing in my life at that time;
  • Living in what quickly became a dysfunctional marriage rather than the supportive one I thought I was building;
  • Realizing that I lost a child at the same time I learned I was pregnant.  My mind processed this as another failure on my part — in addition to a failing marriage, I couldn’t even bring a child into the world!

I’ve often described to others how I felt during that time that led me to contemplate suicide: it’s like stuffing clothes in a drawer until the drawer is too full to close and everything falls out.

The loss of my child in combination with a terrible marriage and not attending college, pushed me to a mental breakdown. I couldn’t eat or sleep for two weeks; everywhere I looked I saw despair, loneliness and personal failure — the pain was too great to continue to live!

So, I decided to end my life by stepping in front of a bus. I assumed that people would think it was a terrible accident because I wasn’t paying attention, but God and I would know it wasn’t!

And here’s the thing: a bus was coming down the street and I was getting ready to step in front of it when my mother’s voice popped into my head and reminded me of her belief that she shared with me years before: God was not pleased with suicide — it was a ticket straight to hell and I couldn’t come back from hell! While I know others believe differently, that thought stopped me from stepping off the curb!

Instead, I walked to my dorm (I was separated from my husband and had returned to college) and told my roommate my plans for finding a way to kill myself so that God wouldn’t know it was suicide!

My roommate, God bless her, walked me to the counseling office, where I signed a contract to contact them if I felt suicidal and to attend daily counseling sessions.

Unpacking long packed drawers was painful…extremely painful… but absolutely necessary to healing. It was during this time that I committed to seeking counseling — regardless of anyone’s opinion about it — whenever I need it because I’m worth the investment!

My dear roommate and caring counselors changed my perspective from one of failure, despair, fear, and loneliness to one of hope for a brighter future. In fact, right before I would have stepped in front of the bus, I jokingly thought, “With my luck, as soon as I died, the day after, everything would get better!”

I can’t honestly say that the day after things got better, but with much soul searching, self- and other-truth telling and hard work, my life eventually moved forward toward reaching the goals I set for myself prior to my breakdown and the new goals I’ve set since.

With God’s grace, I eventually divorced and found my husband and soulmate Robert, who has been with me for 35 years; birthed and raised two phenomenal young women Robin and Jennifer (who I was absolutely certain I couldn’t have because of the miscarriage, but God knew otherwise); welcomed to our family to spoil and love to distraction my grandchildren Shanum and Yahya; and earned three college degrees including a Ph.D. (when I despaired of finishing just one degree) and a professional career that amazes me!

I now live everyday thankful for my ups and my downs, but mostly for my life because the despair and pain led me to get the help that I needed to “live anyhow!”

(I’ve included information above for the National Suicide Prevention Hotline. If you or someone you know needs help, please call them or seek local mental health resources. I owe my life to people who helped me find my way out of darkness so that I can share my experiences through this blog with you!)

Is Your “Pot” Too Small For Your Dreams?

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I’ve been staring at my bamboo plant in my office because I know that I need to repot it; it’s too big for its current pot. It wasn’t always. It started as a small plant in a small pot, but I knew that it needed more room in order to continue to grow.

Several months ago, I went to the store and purchased a new pot and soil. I lovingly transferred the bamboo to the new pot and watered it weekly. After about 3 weeks, I noticed new shoots growing out of the soil — I didn’t expect those; I just assumed that my plant would continue to grow upward as it had been.

Now, my bamboo plant is tall and has so many new shoots, its leaves are wilting because its current environment is no longer conducive to its growth and health.

I’ve written before about the process of transformational growth (See “Personal Transformation Has a Cost: Are You Willing To Pay?,” May 6, 2012):

From the time we are born we are changing or transforming. We don’t often think about transformation in that way, we simply see it as part of a natural process. What made me think about this is the fact that I have had to transform in order to achieve the things that were important to me — e.g., good grades, college education, job, promotion, etc.– or to pursue more personal things like a happy marriage, peace of mind, a spiritual connection with God, passion and purpose.

Each pursuit required a change in my thinking and behavior, which ultimately changed who I was and how I identified me to myself and to others. I’ve come to understand my transformational process as similar to something that happens in nature… For example, when a snake matures (stay with me!), it must shed its outer skin in order to grow. It’s called molting. If it does not shed its skin, it dies — it smothers in its old skin. I believe we humans are often prone to the same thing because we choose not to change our “skin,” meaning our thinking in order to pursue something new and different, especially when we know that our old skin no longer fits us.

I realize that I didn’t go far enough in my explanation because I talked about the internal environment (i.e., thoughts, attitudes, behaviors, etc.) that must change in order to become a better you, but I neglected the external environment that is equally important to one’s growth.

This includes simple questions like, “With whom do I choose to spend time — do they help or hinder my progress toward my better self?” “What places do I choose to inhabit — do they energize me or do I feel drained when I’m there?” “What am I spending my free time doing — am I learning or doing anything that helps others or myself?” These are all important “pot” issues because they determine if your environment is nurturing or restricting your growth.

Like my bamboo plant, I wonder what new shoots are lying dormant within me because I’ve allowed my growth to be contingent upon the size of my current pot — my environment— rather than the size of my dreams, goals and aspirations. But, as many of us know, changing environments means that you have to leave the old one and venture out into a new often unknown environment, and that’s scary, especially when you don’t know what the new will bring.

Ultimately, your new growth will require an investment in a new pot/environment. This may take the form of going back to school for additional training, leaving an unfulfilling job, seeking counseling to change habitual self-defeating thought patterns, saying goodbye to relationships that constantly take more than they contribute, choosing to break “enabling” behavior patterns that keep you guilt ridden and tied to a past and people you no longer want in your life, and attending events that have your future in mind even though your present self-talk says you’re not worthy to participate.

I know that I have to invest in a new pot for my plant; it’s well past the time to do so if I want it to continue to grow.

So, how about you: have you made the decision to invest in a new “pot” for yourself? I certainly hope so because, like a potbound plant, your “roots” — dreams, goals and aspirations — may die because they have no outlet to spread beyond their current confines.

The Harlem Renaissance Poet Langston Hughes in his poem Harlem, said it this way:

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore—
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over—
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

Happy planting!

Thank You!…You Helped Me Become Who I Am Now

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I recently had a conversation with my sister Karen about an experience one of our maternal aunts had with a friend, who she found was sharing her confidences with someone else. My aunt reportedly called her friend and said two simple words, “thank you.” My sister recounted that she didn’t explain to the friend why she was thanking her, she simply shared those two words and hung up.

I asked my sister why our aunt didn’t go into detail or deride her friend about betraying her trust. She said that our aunt didn’t think the details of what happened mattered as much as the knowledge she gained because of the experience. I was stunned by that perspective because I never considered it before!

This started me thinking about the times in my life when people I considered friends betrayed me — using lies and/or actions as weapons of my destruction or shovels to dig a hole into which they planned me to fall  — and how I responded.

The bible teaches that we should, “bless those who curse you, and pray for those who despitefully use you” (Luke 6:28), but it says nothing about thanking them.

So, like my aunt, for those (former) “friends” who willingly betrayed my trust with destruction in mind, THANK YOU…because you have helped me become who I am now!

Think On These Things

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Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. (Phillipians 4:8)

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what I’ve been thinking about. This is especially true in light of my new normal that I described in my last post.

I find myself going over the details from the past looking for new answers to old questions to ensure that, as a student, I don’t need to repeat the lesson because I’ve learned it well. However, this kind of thinking may cause me to get stuck like a Ferris Wheel viewing the same territory again and again. Unless I actively choose to think differently, I remain on the same track with little hope of viewing new vistas because I’m too busy reviewing the old ones.

This is not to say that reflection does not have a place in our lives— it most certainly does! How else will you know what you’ve learned if you don’t revisit your notes? No, what I’m talking about is the incessant thinking that comes with wanting things to have worked out differently or beating ourselves up with thoughts and outcomes that we can’t change because they are in the past.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve conditioned myself to always think about the next problem around the corner or “waiting for the other shoe to drop.” While this manner of thinking can prepare me for the next battle, it also prevents me from enjoying the battles already won or the battles I didn’t need to fight because we were in peacetime. As a result, I rarely allow myself to enjoy “where I am on my way to where I’m going” because I focus too much on the potential obstacles that may arise.

I believe this is why Phillians 4:8’s wisdom is powerful! The Apostle Paul says that we should focus our thoughts on things that are “true,” “honest,” “just,” “pure,” “lovely,” “of good report,” and that have “virtue,” or “praise.” I find that whenever I do this, I feel more hopeful, encouraged, strengthened and prepared.

I must admit though that like bad habits that require constant attention to break, my old ways of thinking often prevent me from regularly thinking in this new way, but I’m committed to this part of my spiritual journey because I know that new thoughts lead me to new revelations and new behaviors, which ultimately better reveal to me my God-given destiny, especially when I consciously focus my energy and attention and “think on these things.”

Refining On Purpose

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For You, O God, have tested us; You have refined us as silver is refined.” (Psalms 66:10 NKJV)

I was talking to my husband recently about the purpose of the trials in our lives that feel like we’re walking “through the fire.” Did you know that fire is often a necessary step in the refining process? For example, gold is heated to over 2,000 degrees Fahrenheit in order to make it 99.999% pure (or 24K for the Bruno Mars fans), while steel requires high temperatures in order to strengthen it for use.

One of the most compelling stories in the Bible about being tried by fire is Job’s. Job was a righteous man that God brought to the devil’s attention:

Then the LORD said to Satan, “Have you considered My servant Job, that there is none like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man, one who fears God and shuns evil?” (Job‬ ‭1:8‬ ‭NKJV‬‬)

Job lost his children, his wealth and his health, but viewed it all as part of God’s refining:

Then Job answered and said:
“Even today my complaint is bitter;
My hand is listless because of my groaning.
Oh, that I knew where I might find Him,
That I might come to His seat!
I would present my case before Him,
And fill my mouth with arguments.
I would know the words which He would answer me,
And understand what He would say to me.
Would He contend with me in His great power?
No! But He would take note of me.
There the upright could reason with Him,
And I would be delivered forever from my Judge.
“Look, I go forward, but He is not there,
And backward, but I cannot perceive Him;
When He works on the left hand, I cannot behold Him;
When He turns to the right hand, I cannot see Him.
But He knows the way that I take;
When He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold.  (Job 23:1-10)

The refining or the testing is not made to break you, but to build and strengthen you for God’s purpose, and to show God’s glory in you as His representative on earth.

This was especially true in the case of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego when the king required his subjects in Babylon to worship an idol. Their response not only demonstrated their faith in God, but God used their trial to demonstrate His majesty:

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego answered and said to the king, “O Nebuchadnezzar, we have no need to answer you in this matter. If that is the case, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and He will deliver us from your hand, O king. But if not, let it be known to you, O king, that we do not serve your gods, nor will we worship the gold image which you have set up.” (Daniel 3:16-18 NKJV)
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“Therefore I (the king) make a decree that any people, nation, or language which speaks anything amiss against the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego shall be cut in pieces, and their houses shall be made an ash heap; because there is no other God who can deliver like this.” (Daniel 3:29 NKJV)
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Every “refining” experience of mine was difficult and often painful, but necessary in hindsight because it prepared me for the next part of my God-ordained journey. And while I know that refining is often part of the process, being in the fire is still never easy or fun. However, when I reflect on the lessons learned and the strength I’ve gained, I’m humbled. And when I recall the glory God receives when I respond to the question, “How are you bearing up under that?!” and I respond,”God’s grace,” then all I can be is thankful for my “refining on purpose.”

Tumble Until Smooth

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I love gemstones, especially the smooth ones that are highly polished and silky to the touch. They have a luster and shine that draws me to them.

Did you know that mined stones come out of the earth rough, soiled and usually dull? Of course you did! Like the Geico commercial, you’re probably saying, “everybody knows that!” But did you stop to think about the process a stone must go through in order to become a thing of beauty that can serve a higher purpose than remaining on or in the ground?

I recently learned that besides a thorough washing after they have been excavated, gemstones are usually broken into smaller pieces and placed inside a machine with other stones and tumbled until they are smooth.

Our lives are often very much like gemstones – we get crushed, washed and polished by our experiences. The goal is not to destroy us, but to bring out our beautiful colors and brilliance that are hidden behind: (1) the dirt of fears, disappointments and perceived failures and slights, (2) the sharp edges that spring from hopelessness, helplessness, bitterness, anger, jealousy, revenge and hatred, and (3) being crushed or broken into smaller pieces in order to learn humility while our beauty is being revealed.

Who would have thought that the smoothing of a gemstone would lead to a life lesson! Certainly not me! But, I so appreciate the results of the process in the making of gemstones…and by extension, myself.

So, if you find yourself tumbling around, instead of viewing it negatively, maybe your attitude should be, “God is polishing and preparing me to serve a higher purpose – He’s tumbling me until I’m smooth!”

 

Are You Noah?

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I recently had The Lord Jesus remind me about the story of Noah. To recap: Noah was given an assignment by God to build an ark because God was going to destroy the earth and only Noah’s wife, sons and their wives and the animals, insects and birds who lived on the ark would be saved. God gave Noah specific instructions about how long it would rain (40 days and nights) and He even told him when the rain would begin.

I thought it strange that The Lord would bring this to my attention, but it made sense when you consider that Noah was asked to do something that others thought ridiculous — to build an ark in anticipation of an event that had never happened in history, especially in an area not known for its significant rainfall!

Can you imagine Noah trying to explain to his neighbors that God told him that a flood was going to cover the earth and that he had to build this huge boat? Can you imagine the ridicule he must have received? The questions about his sanity? The stares? The giggles and laughter every time someone passed his dwelling?

I’m certain that he had moments where he questioned God: “God, are you sure you want me to do this? It doesn’t make sense to me, but if you say so, I trust you.” Or, “God, my family and I are taking the heat because of what you told me to do. Please don’t let them or me be embarrassed!” Or, “God, I heard you say to build the ark. I’ll do it, but, while I have faith, it would be helpful to have some idea about the “when” this will happen to make this waiting bearable.”

If you’re like me, I sometimes question God when the thing He’s instructed me to do is so big that I can’t imagine how “little old me” could ever accomplish it. For example, when The Lord told me to go back to school to get my Masters and then my Ph.D., I said “Did you see the grades I earned in undergrad? Lord, they’ll laugh at my application.” They didn’t and I went on to earn my Masters and Ph.D.

Or when The Lord told me to go to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum after having worked in higher education for 17 years. I said, “Lord, there is no way they will hire me, I have very little knowledge of Rock and Roll music.” They did and I had the privilege of working there for almost seven years.

Now, The Lord has called me to create the Global Black Music Center in Atlanta. My situation is similar to Noah’s in that it has never been done before and I’ve asked Him just about every question I could about the process. Some He’s graciously answered, others not. Either way, I’m committed to the task because as Noah found…God is faithful to what He calls you to do.

Now, the rest of Noah’s story…

I wonder how his neighbors felt when it began to rain and the water began to crest higher as they watched Noah’s boat — now filled with he and his family and all the creatures God told him to collect — drifting by? Noah must have been ecstatic when the first drops began — “Here it comes!” His faith in what God instructed Him to do was being realized!

So, here’s a question for you: Has God placed a big idea or dream in your heart and you haven’t moved on it because of how big it is, how small you think you are or what others, including your family and close friends, will say if you (so called) fail?  If so, let me invite you to read in the Bible Genesis, chapters 6-8 for Noah’s story and the book The Dream Giver by Bruce Wilkinson, author of the Prayer of Jabez.

Finally, there was a television show in the late 1960s called Mission Impossible. The secret agents would be given an assignment on a pre-recorded tape. At the end of the tape, the speaker would say, “Your mission…should you decide to accept it…”  YOUR mission, should you decide to accept it, is to believe that God would never bring the idea to you if He didn’t know that you could do it with His help, of course! Bishop Jakes said it this way: “God always pays for what He orders.”  Your part is to trust that He has your back and will, like Noah, make it rain just like He said He would!

Enjoy the cruise!

 

Personal Transformation Has a Price: Are You Willing to Pay?

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From the time we are born we are changing or transforming. We don’t often think about transformation in that way, we simply see it as part of a natural process. What made me think about this is the fact that I have had to transform in order to achieve the things that were important to me  — e.g., good grades, college education, job, promotion, etc.– or to pursue more personal things like a happy marriage, peace of mind, a spiritual connection with God, passion and purpose.

Each pursuit required a change in my thinking and behavior, which ultimately changed who I was and how I identified me to myself and to others. I’ve come to understand my transformational process as similar to something that happens in nature… For example, when a snake matures (stay with me!), it must shed its outer skin in order to grow. It’s called molting. If it does not shed its skin, it dies — it smothers in its old skin. I believe we humans are often prone to the same thing because we choose not to change our “skin,” meaning our thinking in order to pursue something new and different, especially when we know that our old skin no longer fits us.

I can usually tell when my “skin” is too tight because things that used to be okay for me to think or do suddenly aren’t anymore. I can’t explain how or why it happens, I just know that it does.  I’ve tried to reason these times away, but I can’t; something has changed and I have to stop and figure out what.

I remember having some thoughts about returning to school to pursue a Masters Degree. I was working at a university at the time when this thought became more pervasive: I was dreaming about a Masters degree, people I normally didn’t hang around were discussing returning to school to get one, and I started noticing the conversation on television. It was everywhere!!

At that time, I had just really started exercising my faith in God – I had accepted Jesus Christ when I was 12 years old, but I had not fully committed my life to Him until I was in my mid-30’s. As a result, when things were going well, God and I had a good relationship. When they weren’t, I wouldn’t talk to God for months or sometimes years. Fortunately, God used that time to prepare me for a deeper walk with Him.

So, here I was with this desire that seemingly came out of nowhere to pursue a Masters degree. I was afraid and definitely feeling: “I was fortunate to get through undergrad, how will I ever make it through graduate school with a husband, two small children (1 and 4 years of age) and a full-time job?”

I decided after much prodding from God to at least apply for admission. The university required that I do four things: (1) complete the application form, (2) secure two letters of recommendation, (3) submit my undergraduate transcript and (4) respond to a question on the application. I was good with steps #1-3, but stumbled on #4 because I didn’t know how to articulate what I wanted to share with the committee that would decide my fate.

Should I tell them that I was a first-generation student who had to learn how to do college successfully and that my grades in my freshman year, in particular, were a perfect example of that struggle? Should I also mention that I was in an abusive relationship during that time that affected my ability to focus on school? Should I further mention that it was the first time that I realized that I was a “minority” student because in all of the schools that I attended, I was in the majority? Should I also mention that I struggled with insecurity because of what it meant to me to be a “minority” in a predominately white selective university and that the first time I was called a “ni___er” was in undergrad? Or how I entered college wanting to become a physician, but found my passion in anthropology; so please don’t look at my pre-med grades because they pertained to a different dream?

I was paralyzed by all of the thoughts of what I should say that would make a difference to the selection committee.

In the midst of my confusion, one of my professors gave me a letter that helped put it all into perspective. He recounted my confusion, but he said that if the committee looked deeper into my transcript and into my life, they would see a woman who had triumphed over many adversities to arrive at a 3.5+ GPA in anthropology, which was the graduate program to which I was applying. My stumbles, he said, were learning opportunities that I took full advantage of. God bless that man for turning my pain and disillusionment into a testament of my determination. I didn’t see it that way, but he did! That letter helped to reshape my thinking, but I was still afraid of how my words in my essay would be viewed.

Fear gripped me for several weeks. So much so, that I couldn’t write. I had completed all of the application except the essay. Then something miraculous happened: a stranger’s words moved me from fear to faith…

Every year during the undergraduate college application process, thousands of students apply and are admitted. Schools then schedule receptions to help the students and their parents take one good look at the college before making their final decision. It was during one of these activities on a Saturday that I met the father of a prospective student. He asked me about my educational background and I responded that I had earned my degree at the university. I then mentioned that I was applying to graduate school in anthropology. We exchanged a few more pleasantries and walked away from each other.

Near the end of the program, he found me and asked me a question that changed my life. He said,” How close are you to completing your application?” I thought it strange that someone that I didn’t know would be that interested or pushy, but I responded that I simply needed to complete the essay. He then responded, “So what I hear you saying is that you’re standing in your way!” What could I say! He was absolutely right and I knew that God sent him to get me unstuck.

I thanked him for his candor and decided to trust God for the result. So, after I repented to God for my lack of faith because I knew that He had put the idea of a Masters Degree in my heart, I completed the essay that evening. I turned it into the graduate office that Monday, and as they say, the rest is history!

The old skin of my undergraduate experiences that I deemed a failure and God reframed as preparation for something new required me to step out of my comfort zone. It was scary, but I couldn’t stay where I was – it was clear that I had to choose to move or stay stuck in my old skin.

Did you know that a snake has to bump and scrape against rough objects in order to shed its skin?  Humans must do the same; however we call them trials and setbacks. And they are often the catalyst to our transformation IF we are willing to pay the price!

I truly believe in the tenet that “When the student is ready, the teacher will come.” When I consider the “bumps and scrapes” of the struggle to earn the first degree, the input of the professor that gave me a new perspective that strengthened me mentally for a new struggle, the support of my dear husband, family and friends, and the final push of a complete stranger who God used to remind me that the Masters was His idea and not mine, I realized that I was compelled to move forward.

Every change in my thinking precipitated the change in my life: my decision to leave an abusive relationship came before I actually left. My decision to attend college prepared me to do those things that would enable me to attend college. The decision to agree with God to pursue two advanced degrees preceded my actions to apply to graduate school. In fact, every time I have felt led by God to do anything, it required me to change my thinking in order to do what I believed God was calling me to do.

How many times did I miss an opportunity because I refused to think differently? How many blessings, as a song says, had “my name on them” and I refused to entertain the thought that maybe I should go and get whatever God had or has for me?

How long did I stay in my old skin? In the future, how long will I stay in old skin when I know it is squeezing me and cutting off my circulation…I mean my opportunities?

Hopefully, I will be more aware of  my ill-fitting skin, the decision(s) that will be required of me to think and choose differently,  and more open to the bumps and scrapes that must occur in order to get to that new part of my life. I wish the same for you!