“Heavy is the head that wears the crown.” (Paraphrased from Shakespeare’s play Henry IV, Part 2: “Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown.”)

I’ve been silent for almost a year because the last two blogs, while I hope were helpful to some, took a great deal out of me in their retelling.

I now feel that I’m ready to cultivate some old ground in a new way as a result of my experiences over the past five years in a C-Suite leadership position.

I distinctly remember the day I was offered the job of leading one of the largest organizations of its type in my state; I knew that I had very limited experience as a president and chief executive officer, but had every confidence that this was a “God assignment” for me at this point in my career. I described it at the time by saying that, I felt like I was in the deep end of a pool; I didn’t know how deep the water, but I knew how to swim!

My initial reaction was fear and self doubt: could I really handle an organization of this size knowing that the budget was over $40 million and that more than 400 people would depend on my leadership of an organization in turmoil due to my predecessor’s imprisonment, as well as funders’ questioning whether the organization was still viable? Could I build a team of leaders to support the monumental work that had to be done to transform an organizational culture that had become stagnant? Could I cast a vision that clearly articulated who we are as an organization and what we aspire to be in service to our staff, customers, and our community? Could I help our staff eliminate the silos that had been constructed with heavy duty concrete and reinforced by departmental prejudices and unhealthy competition? And, finally, could I help the organization become one of learning and innovation rather than one that primarily sought to simply keep what it had rather than risk more to serve better?

The answers to these questions could not be found in my past because I didn’t have a frame of reference for the enormity of the problems or the experience of leading an organization of this type or magnitude. What I did have, and what I depended totally on, was my belief that I was sent to the organization by God to do my part in its restoration. I’ve written in past blogs about having “Esther moments” that are biblicaly described as being prepared “for such a time as this” (Esther 4:14).

I’ve also recounted in other blogs how difficult this particular journey has been due to unforeseen obstacles like external threats and threats from “friends” who meant to kill me professionally. Those attacks were the most difficult, but God reminded me that, “…the time will come when people will kill you and think they are doing God a favor” (John 16:2 CEV).

Each attack was an opportunity to walk in grace with God. In fact, God gave me the imagery that I had a crown on my head to remind me that it matters how I walk through my trials, being confident that I am not alone — He’s with me. So, whenever I enter an unfamiliar or potentially hostile environment, I put my imaginary crown on my head and act as if nothing can penetrate the protection that God gives me simply because I belong to and trust in Him.

I have to admit that I’ve become fixated on this notion of a crown, so much so that I have purchased items and placed them around me as reminders. Like one recent poster acquisition: “On my darkest days when I feel inadequate, unloved and unworthy, I remember whose daughter I am and I straighten my crown.” Or another poster that says, “Be a Pineapple: Stand Tall, Wear a Crown and Be Sweet.” Or, finally the crown charm that I’ve placed on my bracelet that I view throughout my day. These visuals remind me that, leadership is very much like wearing a crown: your subjects (i.e., your staff and your customers) and your benefactors (i.e., your funders, sponsors and superiors) are looking to you to lead and to do it well.

Unfortunately, a skewed or unpolished crown is often the first head gear you receive when you are new to leadership. However, over time and with experiences — challenges, failures and triumphs — your crown becomes more fixed on your head and it acquires a shine that is difficult to ignore. Changes in your crown may be noted in: (1) your posture (how you stand), (2) your voice (how and what you say), and (3) your perspective, which broadens to encompass the multiple roles leadership requires such as caretaker, cheerleader, taskmaster, motivator, and the list goes on. In the case of the Chief Executive Officer (CEO), add the roles of Commander-in-Chief, visionary, advocate, bookkeeper and “rainmaker” (lead fundraiser) among others.

Finally, I’ve learned that, while the crown of leadership may be heavy on occasion and the burden of wearing it may become back or shoulder bending, too, the rewards can be even greater than the burden because I can affect change that is more impactful for my organization and those I lead and those we serve. And, with each success, I am reminded that I am only a caretaker of my leadership crown — it is a responsibility that God has given me; I must maintain it and wear it with humility and complete confidence knowing that, even though it’s heavy, I am not holding it up by myself — God made me its steward, not it’s owner!

Happy polishing!