Category Archives: Fear

Fish Don’t Know They Are In Water: So Why Should You?

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I was driving home one day and I had an interesting thought: an unexamined life is like a fish that lives in water — the fish doesn’t know that it is in water until it experiences the absence of it.  It lives a taken-for-granted life. Strange thought, I know, but very profound. This came to me when I realized how much of my life at a certain point was the image of what I saw and experienced as a child.

I’ve written earlier about the abuse my mother endured and how I unwittingly recreated the same lifestyle when I was a teenager. What I didn’t mention is that I continued to try to recreate that same situation during my first marriage. Fortunately, my ex-husband asked me a profound question during an argument. He said, “Are you trying to make me hit you?”  That was the first time that I became consciously aware of how my actions, unchecked, were leading me to the same abuse I had just escaped two years earlier! Thank God that my ex-husband was clear enough to know what I was unconsciously trying to do –  swim in the same unhealthy, but familiar water!

I also wrote in my first blog that one of the important turning points in that marriage was the realization in counseling that I had choices – my unexamined life to that point had automatically led me to the life that I had constructed for myself. Everyone’s unconscious thinking does that!

Consider how many times you’ve advised friends to stop doing something that you could see would have terrible consequences, but they did it over and over again. You wondered to yourself: “Why do they keep making the same mistake?” The answer is simple: the situation is their “normal.”

We all have our “normals”  or our routines. They include thoughts, feelings, behaviors and self- or other-imposed limitations. These make our lives somewhat predictable.  It’s only when our “normal” is exposed through some change in our routine usually because of an unforeseen event like a health scare, death or some other challenge, do we begin to examine the life that we have built and to determine if we want to stay on  that particular path. We sometimes call these “Aha” moments. I prefer to call them moments of God-inspired revelation.

I believe that God brings people to this place of revelation so that they can choose — to either embrace the new consciousness or ignore it.  I’ve done both at different times in my life: I chose to embrace the revelation that I had to get out of an abusive relationship because I deserved a better life. I have ignored revelation whenever the thought of change was more frightening to me than the new life that was awaiting me.

So, when I consider the actions of people who disappoint me because they don’t live up to my expectations or the people that appear to be on self-destruct like I was during certain periods of my life,  I strive to be a little more understanding because I know that if they never challenge their thinking, their lives will flow along a predetermined path with predetermined consequences.

Like a fish on dry land, it flops around looking for the water that it just came out of because that’s all it has known. It doesn’t stop to think: is this the best water for me? It doesn’t consider, nor can it, that there may be better water to inhabit. Its singular goal is to get back to its familiar water as soon as possible!

Thank God that we’re not fish! We get to choose to pursue conscious living if we’re willing to examine, improve or possibly leave the water we’re swimming in!

 

A Decision: The Beginning of Change

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I had an interesting dinner with my husband: A close friend began sharing his experiences; many of which paralleled my own — fear, rejection, feelings of worthlessness. But as he recounted his story, I realized that what happened to me required a decision by me about how it would affect me. For example, some people view adversity as an opportunity to learn a new coping skill; while others view it as another nail in their life’s coffin. I have to admit that I don’t quite understand sometimes the “why” of my circumstances: why people hurt me, why people talk about me, why people mistreat or discriminate against me, why, why why? I’ve stopped asking God the “why” question a few years ago. What I’ve learned to say instead is, “please let me learn the lesson so that I can fulfill my purpose.”

Much of what we confront in life comes down to a simple thing: a decision. A decision about how you will react to whatever comes your way and how much power it will have over your life. For years, I’ve blamed people for decisions that I made because of the hurt that was inflicted upon me by them. It was easier to view my life as being out of my control in certain areas than to admit that I actually could change the circumstances or the outcomes by changing how I viewed and reacted to the situation. You will find that my best lessons were learned through my personal stories. So, here’s one…

I mentioned in my first blog that I was physically abused by my boyfriend. I was 14 years old at the time, and he was significantly older. He was 20. Now, I should have questioned why a 20 year old would be interested in a high school student. I didn’t; I was too excited by the possibility of dating “an older man.” The first year was fine: he drove me to school in his new car. He bought me clothes and gave me money to pay for lunch and whatever I needed. Life was good, so I thought. What I didn’t know was that slowly, I was being pulled away from my friends and family. He required that I spend all of my hours outside of school with him. I thought at the time that I was special, but I learned later that this was how abusers isolate their victims.

The abuse lasted for almost 4 years. I initially tried to fight back, but his “If I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t care” responses made me feel guilty for doubting his “love for me.” Crazy, right?!

I’m sure people wonder how a person could place themselves or stay in abusive relationships: I grew up around violence, which usually coincided with alcohol consumption. It was in my neighborhood. In fact, my mother was the victim of domestic violence. Unfortunately, what I didn’t know at the time was that I had unconsciously believed that this was “normal” in terms of living. As a result, I unconsciously recreated this in my first real relationship. It wasn’t until I was in counseling that I unearthed this false belief. I was amazed at what I had adopted as my “standard” for how my life was to be lived! Without an awareness of those thoughts or being able to challenge their validity, my life tracked what I unconsciously believed. I used to say that “ignorance is bliss,” but in this regard, ignorance almost killed me. Back to the story…

It was my senior year in high school, and my boyfriend had been telling me to wait one year before going to college. But, I knew if I waited, I would never go — he’d have me trapped. I also knew that I had spent most of my young life wanting more than I had: I dreamed of places that I could travel in books. I created a life in my head of how it would all turn out once I made it out of my neighborhood to college. For me, education, and particularly, college, was the beginning of every dream that I had. It was imperative that I go! When his words didn’t convince me to wait a year, he tried to use his hands and feet instead. It didn’t matter – I was going to college!

I remember the day that I decided that I would rather die than to continue to live like that: I was a freshman in college (I knew he was angry about my going, but I didn’t care!) and I found out that an administrator that I confided in had been telling other students about what was happening to me. I was mortified! But, it was the catalyst that I needed to get out of the situation. The secret of my abuse was out, and I was more upset that people knew than I was with the abuse. Crazy, right?!

It was scary, but I finally realized that my complicity in being a silent victim held my dreams hostage, and that my life without my dreams was unacceptable. So, as Shakespeare said, “I screwed my courage to the sticking post” and announced that I was done — I would rather be dead than to stay with him. As you can imagine, we had a fight. However, this time, I had DECIDED that I would not look back – life was ahead of me. There was a distinct possibility that he could have killed me – he threatened that he would — but a made up mind is powerful!

It wasn’t easy – nothing ever worthwhile is — but I was learning that, even though I didn’t always feel deserving, my dream was too big within me not to be worth the effort to come out of the hole that I helped someone dig for me.

This is what I’ve learned: a decision propels you to some future because all decisions have consequences. Every time I told myself and others that “so and so” made me do or not do something, I gave “so and so” control over that portion of my life.

I have finally discovered that what I have been hearing for years is true: we really do have control over our lives once we realize that we have total control over the decisions that we make. I’ve often counseled our girls that “If you want to keep getting what you’re getting, keep doing what you’re doing. If you don’t like the result, change your behavior.” Behavior stems from thoughts. Change your thoughts — make new and better decisions — and you can change your life! I did!

It’s Worth It Because You “Are”

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Welcome to my blog. I’ve entitled this one: It’s Worth It Because You “Are.” The title comes from the name of my company, “It’s Worth It Educational Consulting,” which I founded with my husband in 1999. My goal then, as now, is to help people accomplish their dreams through education and personal investment. One of my mottos is “Dream Big” because it takes the same energy to dream big as it does to dream small. The other is that “With God, all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26).

My hope is that you will find in the experiences and lessons that I’ve learned on my life’s journey something that will inspire you to pursue all that you are capable of and all that God has for you. It’s taken me a lifetime to understand that I am worth it simply because I am — I exist, I’m not a mistake. I am the image and the likeness of God, therefore, I am worthy to experience all of the good that God has for me in this world.

As you noticed, I am a Christian – I make no apologies for this — it just “is.” Without my faith, I know that I would not have survived to become the person who can share my heart with you through this blog. Let me explain….

In 1980, I was in a terrible place emotionally and spiritually. I had just come out of a physically abusive relationship only to go into a marriage at the age of 20 during my sophomore year of college (no, I was not pregnant) that was psychologically abusive. Within 6 months of the marriage, I found myself sleepless and depressed. I contemplated suicide: I was going to walk in front of a bus on a busy street. People would have thought that it was an accident, but I would have known that it was intentional. The only thing that stopped me were my mother’s words that she shared with me years before: If you commit suicide, you go straight to hell with no possibility of parole! So, I figured that I didn’t want to go there, even though I wasn’t particularly religious or spiritual, but it didn’t sound like a place that I wanted to spend eternity. At that time, I had separated from my husband and had returned to school to complete my junior year of college and was living in a dorm. Once I realized that God would know that it was suicide, I walked back to my dorm and told one of my roommates what I was contemplating and how I had to figure out how to do it without God knowing it was suicide!

My roommate walked me to the counseling office – thank God! It was during those sessions, I learned how much stuff I had buried deep inside of me. Feelings of rejection, loss, unworthiness, anxiety, fear – you name it, I felt it! It took almost four years of therapy to understand much of what happened to me and how my decisions – good or bad – stemmed from those hidden thoughts that many of us are unaware of because of what we saw, heard or experienced while young.

This blog is my way of sharing what I’ve learned to make your journey, hopefully, easier. I’ve been blessed to achieve a great deal in my life with God’s help: I left my first marriage and found my soulmate in the process, who became my husband. Robert is his name. We will celebrate our 27th year of marriage in November. We have raised two incredibly gifted girls – Robin and Jennifer – who are the loves of our lives and make us proud to be parents. We also have the most beautiful and brilliant grandchildren in Shanum and Yahya, who have added more to our lives than I can possibly say. I also have earned three degrees: B.A. in medical anthropology, M.A. in psychological anthropology and a Ph.D. in psychological anthropology with an emphasis in educational anthropology. And if all of this wasn’t enough, God allowed me to become a Vice President at one of the most recognizable museums in the world! Now, how’s that for bouncing back!!

I believe that it is now my time to share what I have learned along the way – the ups and downs – so that you, too, will know that there is life after hardship and heartache, even suicidal thoughts. Life is so worth living because you “are!”

So, if you’re ready, let’s take this trip together!