Category Archives: Self-identity

Transitional Me: Who Am I?

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Who am I in transition? How do I identity me to myself and others?

I have written before about my graduate school experience, but I didn’t mention the  question that I researched: “How does a person transition from one role to another?”  The question came up because I had learned to predict which of the freshmen I advised would probably graduate from my college and which would not.

What I found was that it had little to do with their academic preparation and everything to do with forming a new identity in their new setting. This started me thinking about all of the transitions we make when we move from one role to another (e.g., new job, city, social group, etc.)

In fact, I identified three phases in the process:

The first involved giving up the identify I had before. For example, when I left the college where I had worked for 17 years as Associate Vice President, I had to give up that role in order to assume the role of Vice President at a museum.

I call the second phase “Fake It Till You Make It” because I no longer held the old role and was not quite knowledgeable of the new role yet. In fact, for the first two years I role played the part of V.P.

The third phase was completed when I fully integrated the role into my identity, meaning I no longer had to think about what I  “should” do in the role – it had become second nature to me. And more importantly, I began to describe myself in terms of that role.

I also identified a “self” question for each phase:

Phase One: (Leave Old Role) Who have I been?

Phase Two: (Role Play) Who am I here?

Phase Three: (Become New Role) Who am I now?

This process is especially meaningful for me as I make another transition from Vice President to Chief Executive Officer of a museum and cultural center in Atlanta.

Although I am still assessing myself in this transition, I realize that my desires are to grow closer to God  and who He intends me to be and to know what I am purposed to do because of my experiences and lessons learned along the way.

So, who am “I” in transition? My response is that I am…

Who are YOU?

Personal Transformation Has a Price: Are You Willing to Pay?

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From the time we are born we are changing or transforming. We don’t often think about transformation in that way, we simply see it as part of a natural process. What made me think about this is the fact that I have had to transform in order to achieve the things that were important to me  — e.g., good grades, college education, job, promotion, etc.– or to pursue more personal things like a happy marriage, peace of mind, a spiritual connection with God, passion and purpose.

Each pursuit required a change in my thinking and behavior, which ultimately changed who I was and how I identified me to myself and to others. I’ve come to understand my transformational process as similar to something that happens in nature… For example, when a snake matures (stay with me!), it must shed its outer skin in order to grow. It’s called molting. If it does not shed its skin, it dies — it smothers in its old skin. I believe we humans are often prone to the same thing because we choose not to change our “skin,” meaning our thinking in order to pursue something new and different, especially when we know that our old skin no longer fits us.

I can usually tell when my “skin” is too tight because things that used to be okay for me to think or do suddenly aren’t anymore. I can’t explain how or why it happens, I just know that it does.  I’ve tried to reason these times away, but I can’t; something has changed and I have to stop and figure out what.

I remember having some thoughts about returning to school to pursue a Masters Degree. I was working at a university at the time when this thought became more pervasive: I was dreaming about a Masters degree, people I normally didn’t hang around were discussing returning to school to get one, and I started noticing the conversation on television. It was everywhere!!

At that time, I had just really started exercising my faith in God – I had accepted Jesus Christ when I was 12 years old, but I had not fully committed my life to Him until I was in my mid-30’s. As a result, when things were going well, God and I had a good relationship. When they weren’t, I wouldn’t talk to God for months or sometimes years. Fortunately, God used that time to prepare me for a deeper walk with Him.

So, here I was with this desire that seemingly came out of nowhere to pursue a Masters degree. I was afraid and definitely feeling: “I was fortunate to get through undergrad, how will I ever make it through graduate school with a husband, two small children (1 and 4 years of age) and a full-time job?”

I decided after much prodding from God to at least apply for admission. The university required that I do four things: (1) complete the application form, (2) secure two letters of recommendation, (3) submit my undergraduate transcript and (4) respond to a question on the application. I was good with steps #1-3, but stumbled on #4 because I didn’t know how to articulate what I wanted to share with the committee that would decide my fate.

Should I tell them that I was a first-generation student who had to learn how to do college successfully and that my grades in my freshman year, in particular, were a perfect example of that struggle? Should I also mention that I was in an abusive relationship during that time that affected my ability to focus on school? Should I further mention that it was the first time that I realized that I was a “minority” student because in all of the schools that I attended, I was in the majority? Should I also mention that I struggled with insecurity because of what it meant to me to be a “minority” in a predominately white selective university and that the first time I was called a “ni___er” was in undergrad? Or how I entered college wanting to become a physician, but found my passion in anthropology; so please don’t look at my pre-med grades because they pertained to a different dream?

I was paralyzed by all of the thoughts of what I should say that would make a difference to the selection committee.

In the midst of my confusion, one of my professors gave me a letter that helped put it all into perspective. He recounted my confusion, but he said that if the committee looked deeper into my transcript and into my life, they would see a woman who had triumphed over many adversities to arrive at a 3.5+ GPA in anthropology, which was the graduate program to which I was applying. My stumbles, he said, were learning opportunities that I took full advantage of. God bless that man for turning my pain and disillusionment into a testament of my determination. I didn’t see it that way, but he did! That letter helped to reshape my thinking, but I was still afraid of how my words in my essay would be viewed.

Fear gripped me for several weeks. So much so, that I couldn’t write. I had completed all of the application except the essay. Then something miraculous happened: a stranger’s words moved me from fear to faith…

Every year during the undergraduate college application process, thousands of students apply and are admitted. Schools then schedule receptions to help the students and their parents take one good look at the college before making their final decision. It was during one of these activities on a Saturday that I met the father of a prospective student. He asked me about my educational background and I responded that I had earned my degree at the university. I then mentioned that I was applying to graduate school in anthropology. We exchanged a few more pleasantries and walked away from each other.

Near the end of the program, he found me and asked me a question that changed my life. He said,” How close are you to completing your application?” I thought it strange that someone that I didn’t know would be that interested or pushy, but I responded that I simply needed to complete the essay. He then responded, “So what I hear you saying is that you’re standing in your way!” What could I say! He was absolutely right and I knew that God sent him to get me unstuck.

I thanked him for his candor and decided to trust God for the result. So, after I repented to God for my lack of faith because I knew that He had put the idea of a Masters Degree in my heart, I completed the essay that evening. I turned it into the graduate office that Monday, and as they say, the rest is history!

The old skin of my undergraduate experiences that I deemed a failure and God reframed as preparation for something new required me to step out of my comfort zone. It was scary, but I couldn’t stay where I was – it was clear that I had to choose to move or stay stuck in my old skin.

Did you know that a snake has to bump and scrape against rough objects in order to shed its skin?  Humans must do the same; however we call them trials and setbacks. And they are often the catalyst to our transformation IF we are willing to pay the price!

I truly believe in the tenet that “When the student is ready, the teacher will come.” When I consider the “bumps and scrapes” of the struggle to earn the first degree, the input of the professor that gave me a new perspective that strengthened me mentally for a new struggle, the support of my dear husband, family and friends, and the final push of a complete stranger who God used to remind me that the Masters was His idea and not mine, I realized that I was compelled to move forward.

Every change in my thinking precipitated the change in my life: my decision to leave an abusive relationship came before I actually left. My decision to attend college prepared me to do those things that would enable me to attend college. The decision to agree with God to pursue two advanced degrees preceded my actions to apply to graduate school. In fact, every time I have felt led by God to do anything, it required me to change my thinking in order to do what I believed God was calling me to do.

How many times did I miss an opportunity because I refused to think differently? How many blessings, as a song says, had “my name on them” and I refused to entertain the thought that maybe I should go and get whatever God had or has for me?

How long did I stay in my old skin? In the future, how long will I stay in old skin when I know it is squeezing me and cutting off my circulation…I mean my opportunities?

Hopefully, I will be more aware of  my ill-fitting skin, the decision(s) that will be required of me to think and choose differently,  and more open to the bumps and scrapes that must occur in order to get to that new part of my life. I wish the same for you!

 

 

A Decision: The Beginning of Change

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I had an interesting dinner with my husband: A close friend began sharing his experiences; many of which paralleled my own — fear, rejection, feelings of worthlessness. But as he recounted his story, I realized that what happened to me required a decision by me about how it would affect me. For example, some people view adversity as an opportunity to learn a new coping skill; while others view it as another nail in their life’s coffin. I have to admit that I don’t quite understand sometimes the “why” of my circumstances: why people hurt me, why people talk about me, why people mistreat or discriminate against me, why, why why? I’ve stopped asking God the “why” question a few years ago. What I’ve learned to say instead is, “please let me learn the lesson so that I can fulfill my purpose.”

Much of what we confront in life comes down to a simple thing: a decision. A decision about how you will react to whatever comes your way and how much power it will have over your life. For years, I’ve blamed people for decisions that I made because of the hurt that was inflicted upon me by them. It was easier to view my life as being out of my control in certain areas than to admit that I actually could change the circumstances or the outcomes by changing how I viewed and reacted to the situation. You will find that my best lessons were learned through my personal stories. So, here’s one…

I mentioned in my first blog that I was physically abused by my boyfriend. I was 14 years old at the time, and he was significantly older. He was 20. Now, I should have questioned why a 20 year old would be interested in a high school student. I didn’t; I was too excited by the possibility of dating “an older man.” The first year was fine: he drove me to school in his new car. He bought me clothes and gave me money to pay for lunch and whatever I needed. Life was good, so I thought. What I didn’t know was that slowly, I was being pulled away from my friends and family. He required that I spend all of my hours outside of school with him. I thought at the time that I was special, but I learned later that this was how abusers isolate their victims.

The abuse lasted for almost 4 years. I initially tried to fight back, but his “If I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t care” responses made me feel guilty for doubting his “love for me.” Crazy, right?!

I’m sure people wonder how a person could place themselves or stay in abusive relationships: I grew up around violence, which usually coincided with alcohol consumption. It was in my neighborhood. In fact, my mother was the victim of domestic violence. Unfortunately, what I didn’t know at the time was that I had unconsciously believed that this was “normal” in terms of living. As a result, I unconsciously recreated this in my first real relationship. It wasn’t until I was in counseling that I unearthed this false belief. I was amazed at what I had adopted as my “standard” for how my life was to be lived! Without an awareness of those thoughts or being able to challenge their validity, my life tracked what I unconsciously believed. I used to say that “ignorance is bliss,” but in this regard, ignorance almost killed me. Back to the story…

It was my senior year in high school, and my boyfriend had been telling me to wait one year before going to college. But, I knew if I waited, I would never go — he’d have me trapped. I also knew that I had spent most of my young life wanting more than I had: I dreamed of places that I could travel in books. I created a life in my head of how it would all turn out once I made it out of my neighborhood to college. For me, education, and particularly, college, was the beginning of every dream that I had. It was imperative that I go! When his words didn’t convince me to wait a year, he tried to use his hands and feet instead. It didn’t matter – I was going to college!

I remember the day that I decided that I would rather die than to continue to live like that: I was a freshman in college (I knew he was angry about my going, but I didn’t care!) and I found out that an administrator that I confided in had been telling other students about what was happening to me. I was mortified! But, it was the catalyst that I needed to get out of the situation. The secret of my abuse was out, and I was more upset that people knew than I was with the abuse. Crazy, right?!

It was scary, but I finally realized that my complicity in being a silent victim held my dreams hostage, and that my life without my dreams was unacceptable. So, as Shakespeare said, “I screwed my courage to the sticking post” and announced that I was done — I would rather be dead than to stay with him. As you can imagine, we had a fight. However, this time, I had DECIDED that I would not look back – life was ahead of me. There was a distinct possibility that he could have killed me – he threatened that he would — but a made up mind is powerful!

It wasn’t easy – nothing ever worthwhile is — but I was learning that, even though I didn’t always feel deserving, my dream was too big within me not to be worth the effort to come out of the hole that I helped someone dig for me.

This is what I’ve learned: a decision propels you to some future because all decisions have consequences. Every time I told myself and others that “so and so” made me do or not do something, I gave “so and so” control over that portion of my life.

I have finally discovered that what I have been hearing for years is true: we really do have control over our lives once we realize that we have total control over the decisions that we make. I’ve often counseled our girls that “If you want to keep getting what you’re getting, keep doing what you’re doing. If you don’t like the result, change your behavior.” Behavior stems from thoughts. Change your thoughts — make new and better decisions — and you can change your life! I did!

It’s Worth It Because You “Are”

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Welcome to my blog. I’ve entitled this one: It’s Worth It Because You “Are.” The title comes from the name of my company, “It’s Worth It Educational Consulting,” which I founded with my husband in 1999. My goal then, as now, is to help people accomplish their dreams through education and personal investment. One of my mottos is “Dream Big” because it takes the same energy to dream big as it does to dream small. The other is that “With God, all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26).

My hope is that you will find in the experiences and lessons that I’ve learned on my life’s journey something that will inspire you to pursue all that you are capable of and all that God has for you. It’s taken me a lifetime to understand that I am worth it simply because I am — I exist, I’m not a mistake. I am the image and the likeness of God, therefore, I am worthy to experience all of the good that God has for me in this world.

As you noticed, I am a Christian – I make no apologies for this — it just “is.” Without my faith, I know that I would not have survived to become the person who can share my heart with you through this blog. Let me explain….

In 1980, I was in a terrible place emotionally and spiritually. I had just come out of a physically abusive relationship only to go into a marriage at the age of 20 during my sophomore year of college (no, I was not pregnant) that was psychologically abusive. Within 6 months of the marriage, I found myself sleepless and depressed. I contemplated suicide: I was going to walk in front of a bus on a busy street. People would have thought that it was an accident, but I would have known that it was intentional. The only thing that stopped me were my mother’s words that she shared with me years before: If you commit suicide, you go straight to hell with no possibility of parole! So, I figured that I didn’t want to go there, even though I wasn’t particularly religious or spiritual, but it didn’t sound like a place that I wanted to spend eternity. At that time, I had separated from my husband and had returned to school to complete my junior year of college and was living in a dorm. Once I realized that God would know that it was suicide, I walked back to my dorm and told one of my roommates what I was contemplating and how I had to figure out how to do it without God knowing it was suicide!

My roommate walked me to the counseling office – thank God! It was during those sessions, I learned how much stuff I had buried deep inside of me. Feelings of rejection, loss, unworthiness, anxiety, fear – you name it, I felt it! It took almost four years of therapy to understand much of what happened to me and how my decisions – good or bad – stemmed from those hidden thoughts that many of us are unaware of because of what we saw, heard or experienced while young.

This blog is my way of sharing what I’ve learned to make your journey, hopefully, easier. I’ve been blessed to achieve a great deal in my life with God’s help: I left my first marriage and found my soulmate in the process, who became my husband. Robert is his name. We will celebrate our 27th year of marriage in November. We have raised two incredibly gifted girls – Robin and Jennifer – who are the loves of our lives and make us proud to be parents. We also have the most beautiful and brilliant grandchildren in Shanum and Yahya, who have added more to our lives than I can possibly say. I also have earned three degrees: B.A. in medical anthropology, M.A. in psychological anthropology and a Ph.D. in psychological anthropology with an emphasis in educational anthropology. And if all of this wasn’t enough, God allowed me to become a Vice President at one of the most recognizable museums in the world! Now, how’s that for bouncing back!!

I believe that it is now my time to share what I have learned along the way – the ups and downs – so that you, too, will know that there is life after hardship and heartache, even suicidal thoughts. Life is so worth living because you “are!”

So, if you’re ready, let’s take this trip together!