Category Archives: Personal Growth

Have You Cleaned Your Closet Lately?

on • by

Twice a year I clean my closet: I exchange winter clothes for summer and reverse this in the fall. So, as I began this bi-annual ritual, a question popped into my head: isn’t cleaning our closets a great analogy for how we should evaluate our thoughts?  In our closets, we have several categories of clothes: clothes that no longer are in style and those that are always in style, those that fit and those that don’t and those that have special meaning to us –good or bad — whether we can fit them or not.

CLOTHES THAT ARE NO LONGER IN STYLE

The clothes that are no longer in style are the thoughts that have helped me to climb the ladder of success out of a fear of failing rather than a will to succeed. These clothes required that I position myself appropriately: meet the right people, make sure they know who I am, attend the right events, serve on key boards, etc.  While all of these activities  helped me reach certain goals, what I now understand is that, if the climb is predicated on fear, I will never feel truly successful because the fear is the driver. Unless I acknowledged this piece of clothing as out of date (i.e., that it no longer serves me), I will keep it in my closet because it’s familiar rather than functional.

CLOTHES THAT ARE ALWAYS IN STYLE

The clothes that are always in style are those that are foundational to who I am: A lover of the Lord Jesus Christ, a devoted (and thankful) wife, mother and grandmother, who is passionate about fulfilling my purpose on earth and making a positive difference in people’s lives.

CLOTHES THAT FIT PERFECTLY

My current wardrobe includes clothes that fit me perfectly: they accentuate my positives and camouflage or mitigate my negatives — I feel good in them.  These clothes represent thoughts that empower and encourage me to feel good about my life and my journey; they help me balance focusing on the future and living and enjoying the present.

CLOTHES THAT NO LONGER FIT

Ill fitting clothes are sometimes difficult to remove from my closet because I remember when I could fit them and hope to again.  These clothes remind me of the thoughts that kept me locked in the past wishing that I could change what happened or could go back and relive a particular moment in my life; like when I lost my mother…The loss was devastating to me because I wasn’t ready for her to leave. She died 28 years ago, and it’s taken me 28 years to make peace with it. I never grieved because there was too much to do at the time; my first child was born just 2 weeks before her death. I was a new mom and I went into survival mode.  Gratefully, a few months ago, I met two wonderful holistic practitioners, both of whom confronted me with the truth of my unfinished business with grieving the loss of my mother. Because of them, I took the time, finally, to really grieve. It was cathartic! I was able to remove the black shroud and the pain that I’ve had in my heart and make room for the joy of knowing that she’s always with me whether I can see her or not.

CLOTHES WITH SPECIAL MEANING

Over the past two years, and especially in the last 12 months, I have come to terms with some issues in the past, especially from childhood, that have plagued me my entire life. These are the clothes that have had special meaning to me that I’ve held on to because of how large they loomed in my life. For example, I’ve been mad at my dad for not being the father that I needed and wanted him to be.  I was so angry that for awhile I stopped speaking to him. Then, something miraculous happened: I gave my dad permission to be human! I let him off the hook — he was the best father he could be to me given who he was at that time. I remembered the number of conversations I had with our girls that ended with, “if you really tried and a C or D is the best grade that you can get, then I’m satisfied.” What great advice for my children, but I never allowed it to apply to my dad’s parenting efforts until now.

Or the time I wanted to give up on earning my Ph.D. because the process was worst than childbirth and much longer. These clothes I can’t get rid of because they remind me that “if it was easy, everyone would do or have it.”  They also remind me that, if I persevere, I will achieve my goal(s).

CLOSET CLEANING

The “clothes” in my closet include lessons that I have learned over the years through some very challenging experiences, old hurts and deep wounds, and memories that serve to remind me of who I am and what’s important to me.

The process included my having to “put on” each thought like an item of clothing and become fully conscious of how I “felt” in it and then decide if I wanted or needed to keep it. What I mean by this is, each thought had a feeling(s) associated with it — some made me feel hopeful, peaceful and secure, while others made me fearful, anxious and depressed. What I realized was that I spent way too much of my energy on avoiding a lot of bad feelings instead of unpacking them. So, instead of running from the bad emotions, I allowed myself to really feel them in my body — I allowed them to wash over me, like submerging myself in a pool. I remained consciously aware and eventually realized that I wasn’t going to die; I could just feel them and that was okay. It took the power out of the thoughts and helped me to heal. However, some thoughts required that I seek professional help in order to unpack them and that’s okay — I’m worth the investment.

I now know that thoughts, like clothes, need to be tried on now and then to determine if they serve a productive role in your life — do they move you forward, backward or keep you stuck — and you get to choose whether you retain, discard or re-purpose them.

Happy cleaning!

 

You Have The Right “Equipment”

on • by

I recently heard a sermon by Bishop T.D. Jakes in which he mentions a favorite poem of George Washington Carver. Bishop Jakes said that his mother brought the poem to his attention. I was intrigued, so I googled it. The poem is entitled “Equipment” by Edgar A. Guest. Some things need no explanation…

EQUIPMENT

Figure it out for yourself, my lad,
You’ve all that the greatest of men have had,
Two arms, two hands, two legs, two eyes
And a brain to use if you would be wise.
With this equipment they all began,
So start for the top and say, “I can.”

Look them over, the wise and great
They take their food from a common plate,
And similar knives and forks they use,
With similar laces they tie their shoes.
The world considers them brave and smart,
But you’ve all they had when they made their start.

You can triumph and come to skill,
You can be great if you only will.
You’re well equipped for what fight you choose,
You have legs and arms and a brain to use,
And the man who has risen great deeds to do
Began his life with no more than you.

You are the handicap you must face,
You are the one who must choose your place,
You must say where you want to go,
How much you will study the truth to know.
God has equipped you for life, but He
Lets you decide what you want to be.

Courage must come from the soul within,
The man must furnish the will to win.
So figure it out for yourself, my lad.
You were born with all that the great have had,
With your equipment they all began,
Get hold of yourself and say: “I can.”

–Edgar A. Guest

Tumble Until Smooth

on • by

I love gemstones, especially the smooth ones that are highly polished and silky to the touch. They have a luster and shine that draws me to them.

Did you know that mined stones come out of the earth rough, soiled and usually dull? Of course you did! Like the Geico commercial, you’re probably saying, “everybody knows that!” But did you stop to think about the process a stone must go through in order to become a thing of beauty that can serve a higher purpose than remaining on or in the ground?

I recently learned that besides a thorough washing after they have been excavated, gemstones are usually broken into smaller pieces and placed inside a machine with other stones and tumbled until they are smooth.

Our lives are often very much like gemstones – we get crushed, washed and polished by our experiences. The goal is not to destroy us, but to bring out our beautiful colors and brilliance that are hidden behind: (1) the dirt of fears, disappointments and perceived failures and slights, (2) the sharp edges that spring from hopelessness, helplessness, bitterness, anger, jealousy, revenge and hatred, and (3) being crushed or broken into smaller pieces in order to learn humility while our beauty is being revealed.

Who would have thought that the smoothing of a gemstone would lead to a life lesson! Certainly not me! But, I so appreciate the results of the process in the making of gemstones…and by extension, myself.

So, if you find yourself tumbling around, instead of viewing it negatively, maybe your attitude should be, “God is polishing and preparing me to serve a higher purpose – He’s tumbling me until I’m smooth!”

 

What Part Of The Elephant Are You Touching?

on • by

I was reminded recently that life is really less about what happens to you and more about your perspective regarding it…

Over the past few months, I have been writing about my personal and professional journey, especially in developing the Global Black Music Center. I have at times been elated, despondent, excited, frustrated, perplexed, hopeful, overwhelmed and just plain tired — all in the same day!

It dawned on me, though, that my roller coaster of emotions was primarily due to how I defined the situation. This reminded me of a story about the importance of perspective entitled The Blind Men and The Elephant:

Once upon a time, there lived six blind men in a village. One day the villagers told them, “Hey, there is an elephant in the village today.”

They had no idea what an elephant is. They decided, “Even though we would not be able to see it, let us go and feel it anyway.”

All of them went where the elephant was. Everyone of them touched the elephant.

“Hey, the elephant is a pillar,” said the first man who touched his leg.

“Oh, no! it is like a rope,” said the second man who touched the tail.

“Oh, no! it is like a thick branch of a tree,” said the third man who touched the trunk of the elephant.

“It is like a big hand fan” said the fourth man who touched the ear of the elephant.

“It is like a huge wall,” said the fifth man who touched the belly of the elephant.

“It is like a solid pipe,” Said the sixth man who touched the tusk of the elephant.

They began to argue about the elephant and everyone of them insisted that he was right. It looked like they were getting agitated.

A wise man was passing by and he saw this. He stopped and asked them, “What is the matter?”

They said, “We cannot agree to what the elephant is like.” Each one of them told what he thought the elephant was like.

The wise man calmly explained to them, “All of you are right.

The reason every one of you is telling it differently because each one of you touched the different part of the elephant.

So, actually the elephant has all those features what you all said.”

“Oh!” everyone said. There was no more fight. They felt happy that they were all right.

So, when I hit the proverbial mental wall recently, I was reminded that a change in thinking would not only be helpful, it was absolutely necessary!

I love the book The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. In it, the main character Santiago was in search of his “personal legend” — his reason for being, his purpose.  During the course of his search, he found himself in a strange country penniless as a result of being robbed shortly after his arrival. His first reaction was despair:

He wept because God was unfair, and because this was the way God repaid those who believe in their dreams.

I am going to become bitter and distrustful of people because one person betrayed me.

I am going to hold on to what little I have, because I’m too insignificant to conquer the world.

However, he quickly changed his perspective once he realized that he had a choice:

He realized that he had to choose between thinking of himself as the poor victim of a thief and as an adventurer in quest of his treasure.

“I am an adventurer, looking for treasure,” he said to himself…He had not a cent in his pocket, but he had faith.

He had decided, the night before, that he would be as much an adventurer as the ones he had admired in books.

Like Santiago, my first reaction to the obstacles that have presented themselves on my journey has been, “Why is this happening to me?”, “God, I thought you loved me more than this!” But, my new reaction is,” Am I viewing the project from a broad enough perspective or like the blind men, have I unwittingly chosen to focus my intellectual and emotional energies on the parts that I can touch rather than on the vision that God gave me for it?” I’m sorry to admit that I have often found myself concentrating on the former rather than the latter. But, when I approach it from this limited perspective, the road seems longer and with significantly more challenges.

Here’s what I’ve learned so far: I’m not certain how long this particular road is or how many other twists and turns it will have, but I am certain that I am walking in my purpose! So, the best thing that I can do is to ask God to open my blind eyes to see the entire elephant rather than just the part I can touch!

An Introduction To…Myself

on • by

I have written before about the journey that I am on as we prepare to create a museum. What has been resonating within me lately as a result of this process is the question, “Who am I?”

You see, I’ve defined myself throughout the course of my life through various titles including “daughter,” “sister,” “wife,” “mother,” “grandmother;” “student,” “secretary,” “department manager,” “admissions counselor,” “director,” “associate vice president,” “vice president,” “chief executive officer” and the list goes on.

But my overarching question is:  “What’s in a title?” I have found that titles are quick ways of identifying ourselves to others or for determining the category we believe they should be placed. They are also a means of making sense of who we are to ourselves.

I know that this is a deep, philosophical post, but think about it:

* How do you currently introduce yourself to someone? Do you first include your professional title or some other personal characteristic?

* What do you include in your running dialogue in your head about who you are?

Much of my school years from elementary through college were spent living up to someone’s beliefs about me. I’m fortunate in that many people thought that I had tremendous potential, so I worked hard to live up to that even when I wasn’t confident that I could. You see, I wanted so much to earn their faith that it compelled me to work to that end. I have joked with several friends that I deserve an academy award for portraying Jackie for so many years!

I am privileged to have made it to a time in my life where the “who I am” is about finding and being my authentic self – absent the titles. I get to discover and choose how I define me to myself and others! What a gift!

One of my favorite poems is by Marianne Williamson entitled Our Deepest Fear

   Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

   It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

  We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?”

   Actually, who are you not to be?

   You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.

   There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

   We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

   It’s not just in some of use; it’s in everyone.

   And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

   As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

So, I have come to this place of self-enlightenment where my God-given light, as Ms. Williamson notes, may shine as bright as it was created to shine.

May you do the same!

 

Transitional Me: Who Am I?

on • by

Who am I in transition? How do I identity me to myself and others?

I have written before about my graduate school experience, but I didn’t mention the  question that I researched: “How does a person transition from one role to another?”  The question came up because I had learned to predict which of the freshmen I advised would probably graduate from my college and which would not.

What I found was that it had little to do with their academic preparation and everything to do with forming a new identity in their new setting. This started me thinking about all of the transitions we make when we move from one role to another (e.g., new job, city, social group, etc.)

In fact, I identified three phases in the process:

The first involved giving up the identify I had before. For example, when I left the college where I had worked for 17 years as Associate Vice President, I had to give up that role in order to assume the role of Vice President at a museum.

I call the second phase “Fake It Till You Make It” because I no longer held the old role and was not quite knowledgeable of the new role yet. In fact, for the first two years I role played the part of V.P.

The third phase was completed when I fully integrated the role into my identity, meaning I no longer had to think about what I  “should” do in the role – it had become second nature to me. And more importantly, I began to describe myself in terms of that role.

I also identified a “self” question for each phase:

Phase One: (Leave Old Role) Who have I been?

Phase Two: (Role Play) Who am I here?

Phase Three: (Become New Role) Who am I now?

This process is especially meaningful for me as I make another transition from Vice President to Chief Executive Officer of a museum and cultural center in Atlanta.

Although I am still assessing myself in this transition, I realize that my desires are to grow closer to God  and who He intends me to be and to know what I am purposed to do because of my experiences and lessons learned along the way.

So, who am “I” in transition? My response is that I am…

Who are YOU?

“Try Not! Do or Do Not. There is No Try”: Life According To Yoda

on • by

During my 11 year journey to becoming Dr. Jacklyn Chisholm, my wonderful husband and a mentor of mine often reminded me, “If it was easy, everyone would have a Ph.D.” Those words fed my spirit and became my rallying cry. I didn’t realize until much later that the movie Star Wars, and in particular, the character Yoda, would provide me additional words to live by…

I recently had a conversation with my daughter who is applying to graduate school.  We were discussing the process and the essay that is required to complete the application. I told her that she just needs to “Do It,” like Nike recommends in their commercials.  After almost 20 minutes, I asked her to repeat to me what I suggested her next step should be.  She said, “You told me to try.” I said, “No. My advice to you was “Just Do It!”

I then described to her the moment in my doctoral process when I was stuck in “analysis paralysis” — the place where I couldn’t move forward because I felt that I was missing too much information. In actuality, I was SCARED because I didn’t know what the outcome of all of my hard work would be.

The issue was not that I didn’t know what to write about;  I had an outline and all of the data that I could gather, but I didn’t know how to organize it. Questions like, “What would the committee look for in the paper? How long should it be? What if I leave something out?”  had me tied in knots. You see, I had worked for over 10 years to get to this point of writing the dissertation, and now all of those hours and days without sleep, feelings of anxiety, helplessness, hopelessness, joy and excitement hinged upon 100+ pages of a dissertation that I had to defend to a four-person faculty committee. Talk about pressure!!

In a previous blog and as I noted above, the words, “If it was easy, everyone would do it” were instrumental in getting me through graduate school. However, I still had to do the work and walk my path in order to earn the prize that awaited me at the end of the process. I have often likened it to running a gauntlet with people and obstacles standing in my way. I had to decide (there goes that word again) that I was in it for the long haul.

You will recall that I began the Ph.D. process knowing that God had brought me to it– I didn’t begin graduate school to earn a Ph.D. God only talked to me about applying for the Masters program. It was in my obedience and following through on His guidance that I was told that if I “high passed” the same comprehensive (or “comp”) exam that I was required to complete to earn the Masters, I would be automatically admitted to the Ph.D. program.

My response was, “Is this the kind of doctor you want me to be God!” See, I began undergrad expecting to become a physician, not a psychological anthropologist, but once I accepted God’s plan for me to pursue a Ph.D. rather than a M.D., God then revealed the next step in my process. Like Abraham (for the Bible scholars), God called him to leave his hometown without telling him where he was going until he packed up and left. In other words, it was when Abraham moved that God began to reveal the destination!

Once I agreed to go with God’s plan, my initial internal dialogue with God became, “I’ll try to do what you want me to, but I am afraid because I am outside of my comfort zone and I don’t know where you are leading me.”

I have one more example,  I mean, lesson to share on this subject…While I was walking down the aisle to marry my first husband, my thoughts were “I’ll try to make this marriage work. If it doesn’t, I’ll get a divorce.” Needless to say, it happened just as I thought it would because a try is not a commitment to a success, it’s a commitment to an attempt. Yoda understood this when he was coaching young Luke Skywalker, who had returned to the planet where he was to receive training to become a Jedi Knight…

Luke crash-landed his ship in water in his attempt to find the Jedi master to train him. He didn’t recognize Yoda initially as the one he was seeking.  Yoda instructed Luke to move the ship out of the water with “the Force.”

Luke responded: “All right, I’ll give it a try.”

Yoda says: ” No! Try not. Do… or do not. There is no try.”
Luke then says, “I don’t, I don’t believe it.” and Yoda ends with, “That is why you fail.”

I don’t know what “tries” you are attempting. I hope not a lot because you could spin your wheels and make very little headway because you are not fully committed to your success.

So, please, for your future’s sake… take the advice of a pint-sized Jedi Master and a blissfully married woman with a Ph.D. — TRY NOT! DO… OR DO NOT. THERE IS NO TRY!

 

 

If It Was Easy, Everyone Would Do It

on • by

Four questions:

1) What would you do if you were not afraid?

2) What would you do if money weren’t an issue?

3) What is your passion?

4) What are you willing to do or sacrifice to pursue it?

Each of these questions have my destiny wrapped within them…

When I was younger, I used to spend a great deal of my time thinking about how my life would be when I grew up. As I mentioned in other posts, there was a lot of dysfunction in my family – not unlike everyone else that I know! In order to cope with it, I would go to the library and check out books about far away places that I would visit as an adult or I would imagine the fantastic life that I would live.

My mother, more than anyone else, influenced my love of learning.  She also helped to fuel my desire to pursue my passion because she had always wanted to go to nursing school, but felt that she had to settle for a career as a surgical technician because of her family responsibilities in raising three girls as a single parent. As we became adults, my sisters and I would encourage her to pursue her dream, but she would always say, “I’m too old.” Unfortunately, my mother died at the age of 53 without having given herself permission to go to nursing school.

Her comments regarding the importance of education and the lesson I learned from her unwillingness to pursue her passion of becoming a nurse combined with my dream of a better life through education kept me focused even when things in my personal life took a turn for the worst.

I have met many people who want more than they have now — and I don’t mean more stuff —  they want to go to college, they want to secure a better or more satisfying job or they want to open a business, but what gets in their way often is their fear of what they will have to do or possibly lose  if they were to pursue whatever their passion or dream may be.  I really understand their concern because I have confronted these same issues throughout my life, especially in the past 20+ years.  Fortunately, asking myself each of the four questions at crucial times has been the key to my success so far.

Question one, “What would you do if you weren’t afraid?,” is powerful! It gets to the heart of what prevents many people from pursuing their passion – FEAR.   Fear has a way of grabbing us by the throat and not allowing us to move forward, so we stay stuck in situations that either no longer feed our spirit or never have. Hopefully, you’ve heard that FEAR is an acronym for False Evidence Appearing Real.   If we were to confront the fear, we’d often find that it’s a barking dog with no teeth!

I was in a place of fear early in my professional career, and one of my mentors said something so profound that it shook me out of my complacency. He said, “Feel the fear and do it anyway!”— drag it along as you pursue your dreams. That’s how I was able to overcome my fear of failure in college and in different professional roles.

The second question is equally impactful: “What would you do if money weren’t an issue?”  How many times have you said to yourself or has someone said to you “How are you going to pay for school? How are you going to pay for the training? How are you going to get there? How, how, how? This is what I’ve learned in my journey:  if I believe that I am in God’s will, then the money or whatever resources I need will be provided.  I heard Bishop T.D. Jakes say it a little differently, “God always pays for what He orders.”  What a powerful reminder that God is my source, and as long as I am in His will, all of my provision for the journey will be made!

The third question, “What is your passion?,” is often ignored by people because to ask the question means that you want to know the answer. I’ve met many people who refuse to ask themselves the question because the answer would require sacrifices they are not willing or feel that they can’t make.

My passion for a long time was to earn a Bachelors degree. I’ve recounted some of the challenges that I faced in pursuing it, but what I glossed over were the numerous times when the degree seemed to get farther and farther away; I became exhausted and disillusioned because obstacles, big and small, were in my path – some I created and some were created by others.   What kept me going was God reminding me that, “Anything worth having is worth working for.”

Which leads to question four: “What are you willing to do or sacrifice to pursue your passion?”

When I told my husband that I felt that God was leading me to return to school and earn a Masters degree and Ph.D., my husband said, “If God wants you to do it, then I’m behind you!” (Sorry ladies, he doesn’t have a brother.)  Our girls were 1 and 4 when I started. They were 12 and 15 when I completed the Ph.D.

What kept me going for what seemed like a thousand years in school was something a mentor said to me during this time: “If it was easy, everyone would do it.”  What a blessing that statement was and is to me! This one statement separates those who accomplish their goals from those who talk about accomplishing theirs. Pursuing your passion or your dream will cost you something – it always does. But I want you to consider this:

If it takes you five (or more) years to pursue your passion or achieve your dream, do you plan to be here five years from now? If so, you can either be five years older having pursued your passion or five years older still thinking about achieving your dream. It’s your choice!

So, are you ready to join those of us who have adopted the mantra, “If it was easy, everyone would do it?”  I certainly hope you are!

Let me help you start this part of your journey today:  On your mark… get set… GO!

Pay No Attention To That (Wo)Man Behind The Curtain: Are You Ready to Leave Oz?

on • by

“Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain” is a line from the movie The Wizard of Oz.  Who but God knew that years later it would be a framework for finding my purpose! Here’s how…

As a girl, it was important to me to have friends.  Unfortunately, I believed that I had to change myself in order to have a lot of them.

As I matured, I realized that it wasn’t necessary to “win” friends by changing who I was. The best thing that I could do for myself and them was to be Jackie – warts and all. This was scary because, as I recounted in previous blogs, I had a lot going on in my life at different times that I didn’t want people to know about.

I had also over the course of several years diligently crafted a personal identity as a confident, intelligent, ambitious and successful Black woman. What has been eye-opening to me is my recent spiritual revelation that this identify was primarily created in response to the fears of failure and poverty that I developed early in life as a result of the significant life changes I experienced.

It is amazing what fear can do — it can either compel you to achieve or cause you to sabotage yourself.  Any type of fear usually benchmarks where you’ve been — what or who you will lose, what others think of you, what you don’t want to experience again — not where you are going.

For years, I thought that life was about climbing ever higher up the professional ladder. Until suddenly, the climb didn’t seem to mean as much. That day, I came to grips with the reality that fear can’t be my reason to succeed.  God has created me to be more than the title at my job, the people that I know and who know me, and other labels that I or anyone else have placed on me. I now know that I was born to encourage and motivate people to pursue their dreams! What a privilege!

Even though fear was my fuel, I can no longer use it to propel me, especially if I want the future that God has designed for me. This next chapter of my life has to be intentional — it must be based on moving forward toward an exciting, yet unknown future rather than running from an already lived past.

It has only been in the last few years that I have come to grips with leaving Oz and the woman behind the curtain.  I am finally ready, able, and more importantly, willing to step from behind the curtain to live the life that I am destined to live.

Are you now ready to leave Oz? I sincerely hope you are because your life can be so much more significant when you give yourself permission to come from behind your curtain!

 

 

A Decision: The Beginning of Change

on • by

I had an interesting dinner with my husband: A close friend began sharing his experiences; many of which paralleled my own — fear, rejection, feelings of worthlessness. But as he recounted his story, I realized that what happened to me required a decision by me about how it would affect me. For example, some people view adversity as an opportunity to learn a new coping skill; while others view it as another nail in their life’s coffin. I have to admit that I don’t quite understand sometimes the “why” of my circumstances: why people hurt me, why people talk about me, why people mistreat or discriminate against me, why, why why? I’ve stopped asking God the “why” question a few years ago. What I’ve learned to say instead is, “please let me learn the lesson so that I can fulfill my purpose.”

Much of what we confront in life comes down to a simple thing: a decision. A decision about how you will react to whatever comes your way and how much power it will have over your life. For years, I’ve blamed people for decisions that I made because of the hurt that was inflicted upon me by them. It was easier to view my life as being out of my control in certain areas than to admit that I actually could change the circumstances or the outcomes by changing how I viewed and reacted to the situation. You will find that my best lessons were learned through my personal stories. So, here’s one…

I mentioned in my first blog that I was physically abused by my boyfriend. I was 14 years old at the time, and he was significantly older. He was 20. Now, I should have questioned why a 20 year old would be interested in a high school student. I didn’t; I was too excited by the possibility of dating “an older man.” The first year was fine: he drove me to school in his new car. He bought me clothes and gave me money to pay for lunch and whatever I needed. Life was good, so I thought. What I didn’t know was that slowly, I was being pulled away from my friends and family. He required that I spend all of my hours outside of school with him. I thought at the time that I was special, but I learned later that this was how abusers isolate their victims.

The abuse lasted for almost 4 years. I initially tried to fight back, but his “If I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t care” responses made me feel guilty for doubting his “love for me.” Crazy, right?!

I’m sure people wonder how a person could place themselves or stay in abusive relationships: I grew up around violence, which usually coincided with alcohol consumption. It was in my neighborhood. In fact, my mother was the victim of domestic violence. Unfortunately, what I didn’t know at the time was that I had unconsciously believed that this was “normal” in terms of living. As a result, I unconsciously recreated this in my first real relationship. It wasn’t until I was in counseling that I unearthed this false belief. I was amazed at what I had adopted as my “standard” for how my life was to be lived! Without an awareness of those thoughts or being able to challenge their validity, my life tracked what I unconsciously believed. I used to say that “ignorance is bliss,” but in this regard, ignorance almost killed me. Back to the story…

It was my senior year in high school, and my boyfriend had been telling me to wait one year before going to college. But, I knew if I waited, I would never go — he’d have me trapped. I also knew that I had spent most of my young life wanting more than I had: I dreamed of places that I could travel in books. I created a life in my head of how it would all turn out once I made it out of my neighborhood to college. For me, education, and particularly, college, was the beginning of every dream that I had. It was imperative that I go! When his words didn’t convince me to wait a year, he tried to use his hands and feet instead. It didn’t matter – I was going to college!

I remember the day that I decided that I would rather die than to continue to live like that: I was a freshman in college (I knew he was angry about my going, but I didn’t care!) and I found out that an administrator that I confided in had been telling other students about what was happening to me. I was mortified! But, it was the catalyst that I needed to get out of the situation. The secret of my abuse was out, and I was more upset that people knew than I was with the abuse. Crazy, right?!

It was scary, but I finally realized that my complicity in being a silent victim held my dreams hostage, and that my life without my dreams was unacceptable. So, as Shakespeare said, “I screwed my courage to the sticking post” and announced that I was done — I would rather be dead than to stay with him. As you can imagine, we had a fight. However, this time, I had DECIDED that I would not look back – life was ahead of me. There was a distinct possibility that he could have killed me – he threatened that he would — but a made up mind is powerful!

It wasn’t easy – nothing ever worthwhile is — but I was learning that, even though I didn’t always feel deserving, my dream was too big within me not to be worth the effort to come out of the hole that I helped someone dig for me.

This is what I’ve learned: a decision propels you to some future because all decisions have consequences. Every time I told myself and others that “so and so” made me do or not do something, I gave “so and so” control over that portion of my life.

I have finally discovered that what I have been hearing for years is true: we really do have control over our lives once we realize that we have total control over the decisions that we make. I’ve often counseled our girls that “If you want to keep getting what you’re getting, keep doing what you’re doing. If you don’t like the result, change your behavior.” Behavior stems from thoughts. Change your thoughts — make new and better decisions — and you can change your life! I did!